Self Conscious

My skin has always been an issue.

I always wished I were one of those girls walking around with flawless skin.

Adult acne, due to hormones, was always a problem, up until now.

Us moms, our bodies go through so much shit as we age and go through pregnancies and beyond.

I am not at the beyond yet, but I know it’s around the bend as I approach 40.

This last pregnancy left me with a new skin problem that has really trampled my self esteem.

Mask of pregnancy or Malasma.

It it characterized by brown or dark patches of skin, mainly on the face.

Finally, my skin is pretty clear of acne, but now I have brown spots.

I guess I just can’t win.

So, today I finally got a haircut after many months.

And, I am sharing my face. Make up helps. But, it still looks like I have a 5 o’clock shadow above my lip and my forehead is affected too.

But, I have this gorgeous little girl now.

I have a 5 year old who also has marks on her face. She was born with a port wine stain on the side of her face and up around a part of her eye.

She rocks it! She is so beautiful. She is fully aware of them and just says that the birthmark just makes her her.

So, even though my spots aren’t as dramatic as my daughters, they are there. I am sure my anxiety fuels me feeling bad about them too.

Feeling good today with my haircut and not caring what anybody thinks.

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Disgusting human being

It has been almost two years since my separation and soon after divorce. 

Today actually marks the day I made the biggest mistake of my life. 

I don’t regret getting married. I have three beautiful girls and I have learned a lot about myself and life. 

But, it was a mistake. 

A mistake I was able to correct. 

So, here I am nearing 40 years old and 27 weeks pregnant. I am already considered a high risk pregnancy due to my age. 


Past pregnancies have not been easy, and the same goes with this one.

Never once did I use my health to not be mom to the children I already had. I pushed myself to the last day. 

Some people can easily judge me based on my current situation. Life may be tough, but just because I didn’t plan for this doesn’t make me a bad mom. I could never live with myself knowing I terminated a life. 

There were only two people involved. We are working very hard, as always to be the best we can be. 

Unfortunately, I have an evil force in my life. A virus if you will. 

I almost feel ashamed to be pregnant because of their words. The stress from the harassment. The fear that it will never end. 

I made a decision last Saturday, the day before Easter, not to take my 5 year old to softball practice. We had plans to dye eggs. It was the day before a holiday. 

The following is an excerpt of the email I received regarding that decision. 


Disgusting human being. 

I was crying to my doctor this morning because she offered to set me up with physical therapy to help me deal with my hip and thigh pains and I told her I couldn’t. 

Why? Because I am so afraid that it will add too much to my already busy schedule and if I miss a softball game, it will be held against me. 

I am afraid that if I have too many strikes against me that he will take me to court to try again for full custody, his defense that I am unfit because I can’t keep up with the kids schedules. 

If I am having a bad day with my pregnancy, I am afraid to stop and care for myself a little cause he will use it against me. 

Disgusting human being. 

I feel bullied and harassed. 

Constantly being scrutinized and judged. 

I don’t deserve to live this way, to be treated this way. 

Am I wrong? 

When adults can’t seem to “grow up”…

In the beginning, emotions are raging. Life exploded, but yet came to a standstill all at the same time. 

That sensory overload is extremely disruptive, and there are a lot of pieces to pick up. A lot of questions. A lot of confusion. A lot of everything. 

People make mistakes. People sometimes do stupid things. 

The problem is when people can not move past the disruptive phase. 

I am definitely in a new phase of life. 

One that I belong in.

Life has changed so much over the past almost 2 years. Not just for me, but for everyone. 

I have been through so much chaos along the way. But, no matter how down I get about things, somehow I keep moving forward. Proving to myself that even though I aspire for more, I am worthwhile, and successful in my own way. 

I no longer have time for regret, or to hold grudges or retaliation. 

I am almost 37 years old. I have a baby on the way. I have an ailing father in the hospital. I have three small beings that depend on me. I have way too much going on to hold on to the past.

Some people can’t seem to do this. 

Why? I wish I knew. I wish it would stop. 

I live an honest life. I have nothing to hide. I do the best I can and more almost every day. I try to be selfless and giving where I can. 

Why do I need to keep defending my honor when I know it is true and real? 

Nobody is perfect. You are not better or worse than me. We are equal, but we are different. 

That is all. 

You are not destroying my life or knocking me down. Your childish attacks are only giving me more courage and fight. 

More knowledge, more power. 

So, to you…you do whatever you think you need to do to feel better about yourself. 

I know who I am. 

How do you title this? 

Much like my writing, my exercising has also been sporadic. 

But, I am having another good day today. 

I am 16 weeks today. I have about 4 more until my next ultrasound. Hopefully we find that we have a healthy baby, and perhaps know better how to address baby Meyers. 

So, today I did some working out, the best I could without being in a gym. 


I know that I have gained weight. I also know that it is all worth while, and I know how to handle it, when all is said and done. 

I have tons of before and after shots and progress pics that I can use as motivation. 

I have done this before, I know I can do it again. 

This being one of them: 


Hard work doesn’t scare me. It challenges me. It drives me. 

All in all, I am becoming anxious to have this baby in my arms. I still have so much more to go. 

Been feeling tiny movements lately. Over the next two weeks the baby apps say the baby will double in size. 

Hoping then I can share those movements with Todd. 

He is a first timer, this is all new and exciting for him. 

I have been excited every time. 

No matter what hell you go through, it is all worth it in the end. 

A supreme joy that you can not compare to anything else. 

The best thing you can do is try to enjoy the journey. 


I puked up almost every meal for weeks.

My skin has been a mess. Dry. Oily. Breaking out. 

My pants have been getting tighter. 

My hair has gotten thicker and in deperate need of an overhaul. 

My back has gotten tighter and my skin has gotten looser. 

Some nights when I try to sleep insomnia steps in, or total discomfort keeps me tossing and turning. 

I may complain, but it is all part of the beautiful disaster that pregnancy truly is.

The instant and unconditional love you have when that baby is placed before you erases all the obstacles along the way. 

Awesome

I have been feeling really good and motivated lately. 

Yesterday I took a walk. For exercise purposes. 

Working out, training, exercising…all have been the furthest thought on my mind. 

Not to say that it doesn’t bother me, I miss being active. But, a shitstorm has been crushing me. Yes, I have been making excuses. 

I used to always say that you make excuses to find the easy way out, and that is true. I just totally lost my way. 

In that, i admit, I wanted the easy way out, because I just didn’t have the strength and motivation to tackle everything. I had to prioritize. 

But, I am starting to gain strength again. 

Took that same walk today. Instead of walking the whole way, I jogged the last half of the distance back to the house. 

Everything is one day at a time. 

I am pregnant, so I must be careful. I have been having serious sciatica nerve pain and problems, so I don’t want to aggravate that. I also don’t want to let it win, and have me mostly on my ass or in bed for the next 6 months. 

I have gained 13 lbs. More than probably I should have at this point. Yes, the doritos are great. The french fries and sour gummi worms are awesome. Will I still have some. Of course, I am human after all. But, I am going to be more careful with my choices. 

Also, because I had gestational diabetes during my last pregnancy. So, I am a greater risk this time.

But, like I said, one day at a time. 

I feel good today though. I know the crap around me isn’t going to completely disappear. 

But, I feel good today. 

Life….GFY! 

Up shitcreek without a paddle. 

Being kicked while I am down. 

I am sure there are more, but just can’t think of them. 

Here I thought 2017 would bring bigger and better things. 

Hahahahaha

Too funny! 

I have been tested for nearly two years now. 

When is it going to be too much for me to handle? When am I just going to breakdown and crumble. 

Financially I am so fucked right now that it has become comical. 

Can’t even find a part time job that is willing to allow me to remain being the attentive and caring mom that I am now. 

But then on the other hand, my anxiety prevents me from pursuing other opportunities. I even put a stop to my Jamberry business. It was going nowhere.

WTF! 

So then, I am three months pregnant at this point. This is the first pregnancy that I have felt like I am not pregnant, and how do I put this, not really excited. Like, I will totally love the baby, but all the stresses I have now are preventing me from all the joy that leads up to giving birth. 

We are so terribly unprepared. I have never been this much of a wreck in life. All this uncertainty seriously puts my anxiety into overdrive. 

Then, my brother calls me yesterday to inform me that my dad fell outside and broke his hip. 

Holy fuck! 

My dad is weak and frail as it is because he has been battling leukemia for over a dozen years. He has had two brain surgeries. If you sneeze near the man, it could put him in the hospital. His immune system is pretty much non existent.

He was taken by ambulance to the hospital and last bit of information I received was that he was going to be in the ICU due to his pre existing conditions. 

I said it before and I will say it again, I know I have fucked up in the past. But, I have been really trying to be a better person. 

I even made amends with my mom who is so hard to deal with because she has bi-polar disorder. 

What more do you want from me GOD! Please ease up some! PLEASE! 

I do not know how much more I can take. 

So, I want to end with a post I made on my facebook earlier. I hope it resonates with some people, and I hope it helps others to understand a little better. 

“My brain is such a mess today! Here is what it is like inside the mind of someone with anxiety. Mindless driving. You are paying attention but not, because your thoughts are everywhere else. Creating scenarios. Solving problems that are not even problems yet. Thinking about the what ifs. Psyching yourself out. Making excuses not to do the things you know you have to do. Promising yourself you will take care of them later or tomorrow. Gritting your teeth and not even knowing it. Avoiding contact with anyone. Wanting silence but to also not be alone. Avoiding situations that are outside your comfort zone because the outcome may not be what you are expecting and the unknown frightens you. Not being able to sit still and having to be busy at all times, but also tired and wanting to relax. Wanting to give up because you know it would be easier, but not because you know that you can’t. Struggling to hold your shit together when you just want to burst into tears……that is anxiety.”

Here I am….

First of all, before I get into my MIA status, I just want to say, everything, everything I say and write comes from my heart and soul. No lies, no fabrication. True, honest and genuine. It is the only way I know. It has acquired me enemies. It has turned people close to me away. But, it has also helped me realize the special people who belong in my life. 

They get me, at least somewhat, and they accept me. 

So, on to the next order of business….

This was my Thanksgiving. 


One test just wasn’t enough since this was unexpected. We just accepted that it wasn’t going to happen and allowed our lives to go on as normal. 

This has been the worst pregnancy in terms of sickness so far. Ultimately, my last too. Getting too old for this shit!!! Haha 

I actually feel somewhat human today, and was proud of myself for not having to throw up while attempting to brush my teeth this morning. 

Then, on top of that, we moved. Hopefully for the last time for awhile. 

We have been having a lot of financial strain due to all the kicks in the teeth we have been given. 

I try to remain positive. It is something I used to fail at miserably. But, guess what, no matter how hard our life is, overall I can’t express enough how much better I feel as a person. 

Even when the shit is thick like right now, (I have daily anxiety about how I am going to pay for my girls Christmas layaway), I know that I am shining through. 

People I don’t really even know are happy to see me. I guess I sparkle in a way I don’t fully understand, but that makes my heart happy. 

And as I was driving home from my first ultrasound and first round of bloodwork, I realized that I am stronger than I have ever been. 

Getting a divorce for me has been exhausting and devastating in some ways, but so liberating in others. 

You never really realize how stiffled you are until you have that chance to live and breathe. 

Is my life going the way I planned? Hell no! What I thought I once needed in life was so wrong for me. I am content with my decisions. 

They have made me who I am today. I once felt lost. I now feel human again. Which in turn, as much as it sucks, makes every frickin struggle and obstacle worth it. 

Why do we keep getting the shitty end of the stick? It has been over a year of crap being slung at us. Can we have a break now? Seriously, I don’t mind having to work hard, but at some point there has to be an end to this turbulent tunnel. 

So, I guess this all kinda derails my initial life overhaul. God had a different plan, and I am ok with that. 

Todd gets to have a child of his own. I get to love another tiny life unconditionally like I do my three beautiful girls. 

So, when you are standing in shit up to your eyeballs, don’t change your direction. Keep moving forward and see all the amazing things you have and get to be a part of. 

You have made it this far, nothing can stop you!