In the “write” place

I never planned for my life to go the way it has. 

In fact, I never really envisioned anything other than being happy. 

Is it careless to allow life to go as it should?

Should I have made sure that I had a clear and precise plan?

What I am sure of, is that everything has happened for a reason. Even when I have had doubts. 

With every step, each obstacle or victory or test or reward, has shaped my life the way it truly needed to go. 

I am not a religious person, but I understand why having something to believe in is so important. 

It gives you the hope to continue going when you don’t think you can. 

In my mindset, I have been through a lot. In each persons mind, their fight is unique and worse than anybody elses. 

Just remember that, and don’t try to down play their struggle. 

I believe my journey, no matter what I thought it was supposed to be, happened the way it was meant to. 

I have found that I have come almost full circle. 

I have found that “person” I was supposed to be with. 

I have learned about the importance of love and trust and family. 

I am coming back to that creative and unique chick I once was. 

All I can feel is that I feel more at home now in my skin, and I lost my way for a bit. 

I have always been driven by my desire to create, to make, to be a part of anything that pertained to art. Music, writing, drawing, painting, giving, creating….those are things that drive me and keep my heart alive. 

I always hoped that one day I would be “famous” so to speak for something that involved my talents. 

Things I had to learn, but things that I taught myself and had an abilty for. Things that made me happy to share with others. 

I have always loved to write. 

I have always loved being creative. Making floral arrangements, crocheting or coming up with my own ideas for something new and neat! 

I love photography and taking pictures of everything. Capturing moments and memories and beauty. 

I love to sing even though I am only so so. Music has always been fuel for me. 

I would love to show my girls to never give up on their dreams. 

I am almost 37 years old, and I feel like I have a whole hell of a lot to still offer.

Just want to find that thing that helps me to connect with the world. I want to make a difference! 

When adults can’t seem to “grow up”…

In the beginning, emotions are raging. Life exploded, but yet came to a standstill all at the same time. 

That sensory overload is extremely disruptive, and there are a lot of pieces to pick up. A lot of questions. A lot of confusion. A lot of everything. 

People make mistakes. People sometimes do stupid things. 

The problem is when people can not move past the disruptive phase. 

I am definitely in a new phase of life. 

One that I belong in.

Life has changed so much over the past almost 2 years. Not just for me, but for everyone. 

I have been through so much chaos along the way. But, no matter how down I get about things, somehow I keep moving forward. Proving to myself that even though I aspire for more, I am worthwhile, and successful in my own way. 

I no longer have time for regret, or to hold grudges or retaliation. 

I am almost 37 years old. I have a baby on the way. I have an ailing father in the hospital. I have three small beings that depend on me. I have way too much going on to hold on to the past.

Some people can’t seem to do this. 

Why? I wish I knew. I wish it would stop. 

I live an honest life. I have nothing to hide. I do the best I can and more almost every day. I try to be selfless and giving where I can. 

Why do I need to keep defending my honor when I know it is true and real? 

Nobody is perfect. You are not better or worse than me. We are equal, but we are different. 

That is all. 

You are not destroying my life or knocking me down. Your childish attacks are only giving me more courage and fight. 

More knowledge, more power. 

So, to you…you do whatever you think you need to do to feel better about yourself. 

I know who I am. 

Leap of faith…

I lived a time of misery. Not because life was “terrible”, but it was for me. I was living a life I didn’t belong in.

 I am sorry, but it’s true.

 I hated everyone including myself. I felt dead inside. 

So, call me crazy, label me however you wish, but I said on numerous occasions that I would not end up in a lifeless, loveless marriage like my parents did.

 I grew up in a dysfunctional home. I vowed to never put my kids through what I went through. So, I made a choice. It happened faster than I was ready for, but God must have thought I was ready. So, I took a leap of faith. 

There has been some awful times, but the good times far outweigh the bad. 

Just like after any huge event, there is a period of adjustment and transition. We all made it. We are going to make it. 

Because instead of being stubborn, we ask for help, we look for help. Sometimes the problems are bigger than you, and you just can’t do it alone. 

That is responsibility. That is being a good mom. Accepting help doesn’t make you weak, it gives you a push to continue fighting on your own. 

Epiphany

No, God didn’t come to me. 

But, I came to the realization about something.

As I sat here the other morning, fighting off the worst migraine I have ever had, I realized how stupid I was.

I let him win. My ex doesn’t want me and Todd together. He wants to punish me and bring me down any way he can. 

Because I was so worried about losing the girls, I let that a-hole manipulate me and bully me into making a decision I didn’t want to make. 

No more! I am an adult and no longer married to him. He has no right now or ever to dictate to me how I live my life. 

The control ends here. I am not throwing away my soulmate because he has unresolved issues. 

I was seriously in a state of depression thinking about the hasty decision I made. All because he feels the girls are not safe in my care. 

Shit happens and people make mistakes, but I can tell you that I am a damn good mom, and my girls are well taken care of. 

So, fuck you sir! I am not under your laws and rules anymore. I have a mind of my own, and all your petty garbage, calling child protective services on me and trying to get a pfa are futile. 

Telling me I need psychiatric evaluations. No! He does. 

I am so awesome now! I almost made the worst decision of my life. I am glad I was able to see the light. 

I will always fight for my girls and what is worth it. My life is mine and it is time for him to grow up and leave us alone. 

Divorce…I don’t recommend it

If you are truly unhappy, and you have expressed your feelings and nothing has changed, divorce is always an option. 

But, if you are not good with dealing with stress, I urge you to find an alternative. Sorry, I don’t have an answer for what that alternative could be. 

Let’s face it, most divorces are not amicable. There is a lot of tension, anger, hate, mistrust, court, money being thrown away….

It is just nasty, and unless you strongly believe it will all be ok, think about it before you do it. 

I would never change the fact that I am divorced. I am much happier with who I am, which is extremely important, but all the chaos that comes with it, is enough to really take you down. 

I hope and pray daily that the evilness will subside and I will be able to move on and live my life peacefully…

It has been nearly a year since my divorce was finalized, it is just getting uglier. 

The moral of the story is, be prepared to give everything you have, especially if children are involved. Don’t make mistakes like I did and think that your ex is your friend. He will stab you in the back in an instant to make himself look better. Don’t say anything nasty, even though you feel you might burst at the seams if you don’t get it out. 

Be ready for tears and bad days. Strap your armor on tight, raise your shield and be ready for the attacks. 

Of course this doesn’t apply to all divorces. When people say they parted on good terms, you get a weird look on your face like you just smelled something disgusting. 

I have birthed three kids. My last who came out in 9 mins and fractured my pelvis. I have been through multiple surgeries. But, of all the things I have gone through in life, divorce and the aftermath has been the most difficult. 

It is a test of will and character and inner strength like no other. Nothing can prepare you for what could and has happened. 

You pick yourself up and continue. One day, one moment at a time is the only way. 

A picture is worth more than a thousand words

It has been quite some time since I have posted here. Sometimes life and all its moving parts are more important. 

All of my girls started school, my youngest for the first time. 


This is Kira’s little green blanky. It goes everywhere with her. She usually takes it in the car and leaves it behind for when she comes back from her dads. This past week, she didn’t take it. She had her backpack on her back and was halfway out the door when I asked her if she wanted to take it. She said no. That being her first day of preschool, my baby just became a big girl. If I have learned anything about myself or as a mother, it is to cherish all the moments you have in life that make you smile. Remember that the little things leave the longest lasting impressions and create and make the most memories that you can.

My girls are my life. I love them with every fiber of my being. They are the only three girls that have actually been so close to my heart. 

I may have failed or given up on many things in life. Being a great mother is something I can not fail at, and no matter what chaos is thrown my way, I will not give up. 

Divorce has helped me to discover many of my strengths. It has revealed my weaknesses, but has also given me a chance to improve. I refuse to become stagnant. 

These smiles, these genuine smiles are my fuel to continue even when I feel weak. 

From strength comes courage. From courage comes success. From success comes happiness. Happiness leads to a happy life and a happy family. Do not let anybody tell you that you are less than what you are. Be yourself. Be true. Believe. 

My life

I often wonder how I keep afloat. 

In the past two weeks, I have been bombarded with all sorts of shit. 

A real shitstorm! 

So, it starts with me. Yes, my boobs aren’t real. Not ashamed. I spent 35 years having the chest of a 10 year old.

But, something wasn’t right. Come to find, that I am so muscular, that my pec muscle pushed one of my implants out of place. I can not afford to get it fixed right now. How flippin crazy is that. Only me! 

Then, my brother contacts me, whom I haven’t talked to in over a year, to tell me that my dad was taken to the hospital with stroke symptoms. 

He has been fighting leukemia for nearly two decades and has had many complications along the way. He also has had to have various melanoma removed from his skin. 

In the same breath as telling me about my dad, my brother informs me that my only grandmother I had left died back in November from a stroke, and NOBODY told me. 

Jesus Christ! 

Wait, it gets better. 

My ex husband decided that because of the incident with my fiance, he is now taking me to court for full custody. 

How haven’t I broken down by now? 

My girls are always safe. An isolated incident. A huge wake up call for him as well as I. We are both going to counseling together because we realize the problems are greater than us. 

We are getting help, and he wants to take my girls away from me. He is a monster, and I hope he realizes the hatred he is going to create, not only from me, but from the girls. Especially my oldest. 

Nobody fears my fiance. We all realize here that he has a problem. We all want to give him a chance because we love him. 

I don’t even know how I am going to be able to pay for representation. 

I am a great mom. Not conceited. Just honest. Todd is a great father figure, that I know those girls don’t get over there since he is always at work. 

So, here I sit in a state of numbness. Not knowing what to do and how to feel. Talk about sending your anxiety into overdrive. I think now I can also include some depression. 

How have I not crumbled yet? Seriously!