Life….GFY! 

Up shitcreek without a paddle. 

Being kicked while I am down. 

I am sure there are more, but just can’t think of them. 

Here I thought 2017 would bring bigger and better things. 

Hahahahaha

Too funny! 

I have been tested for nearly two years now. 

When is it going to be too much for me to handle? When am I just going to breakdown and crumble. 

Financially I am so fucked right now that it has become comical. 

Can’t even find a part time job that is willing to allow me to remain being the attentive and caring mom that I am now. 

But then on the other hand, my anxiety prevents me from pursuing other opportunities. I even put a stop to my Jamberry business. It was going nowhere.

WTF! 

So then, I am three months pregnant at this point. This is the first pregnancy that I have felt like I am not pregnant, and how do I put this, not really excited. Like, I will totally love the baby, but all the stresses I have now are preventing me from all the joy that leads up to giving birth. 

We are so terribly unprepared. I have never been this much of a wreck in life. All this uncertainty seriously puts my anxiety into overdrive. 

Then, my brother calls me yesterday to inform me that my dad fell outside and broke his hip. 

Holy fuck! 

My dad is weak and frail as it is because he has been battling leukemia for over a dozen years. He has had two brain surgeries. If you sneeze near the man, it could put him in the hospital. His immune system is pretty much non existent.

He was taken by ambulance to the hospital and last bit of information I received was that he was going to be in the ICU due to his pre existing conditions. 

I said it before and I will say it again, I know I have fucked up in the past. But, I have been really trying to be a better person. 

I even made amends with my mom who is so hard to deal with because she has bi-polar disorder. 

What more do you want from me GOD! Please ease up some! PLEASE! 

I do not know how much more I can take. 

So, I want to end with a post I made on my facebook earlier. I hope it resonates with some people, and I hope it helps others to understand a little better. 

“My brain is such a mess today! Here is what it is like inside the mind of someone with anxiety. Mindless driving. You are paying attention but not, because your thoughts are everywhere else. Creating scenarios. Solving problems that are not even problems yet. Thinking about the what ifs. Psyching yourself out. Making excuses not to do the things you know you have to do. Promising yourself you will take care of them later or tomorrow. Gritting your teeth and not even knowing it. Avoiding contact with anyone. Wanting silence but to also not be alone. Avoiding situations that are outside your comfort zone because the outcome may not be what you are expecting and the unknown frightens you. Not being able to sit still and having to be busy at all times, but also tired and wanting to relax. Wanting to give up because you know it would be easier, but not because you know that you can’t. Struggling to hold your shit together when you just want to burst into tears……that is anxiety.”

My mom

We certainly have history. A lot of it bad. 

I have learned a lot in the past year since my divorce was finalized. 

A lot about myself, and a lot about life. 

My mom and I have a toxic relationship that erupted after I was married for a bit. 

I don’t necessarily know why I acted the way I did. 

I just know that I didn’t feel like myself in my marriage. In turn it made me act not myself. 

So, to simply explain the troubles, my mom has always been a little “off” as far back as I can really remember. As I got older it became more difficult to deal with her erractic behavior. 

My parents fought daily, and my mom seemed to become more insane. 

Truth is, she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, maybe a few years ago, but refuses to accept treatment for it. 

So, regardless, she is still extremely difficult to deal with. 

After all that I have been through, I finally realized how important family is. 


Every fricken day I am reminded. 

So, I decided to write my mom a letter. Heartfelt, apologetic, and real. 

It has been nearly a month since I sent it. 

I have received no response. 

There really isn’t much more I can do. 


I have learned a lot from my mom. All the little things she used to go out of her way and do for us, just to get some smiles, I find myself doing with my girls. 

But, I also vowed to never be the negatives I saw growing up. 

I saw her struggles and how she lived selflessly and unhappy. 

That was not going to be me. I love my dad, but my parents should have been divorced long ago. 

I refuse to live in misery and not live my life. 

I want happiness. I want peace. I want my family. 

I took a nasty road to get there, but I made it. Now, I am just trying to repair the damage I created. 

What will be, will be. I won’t hold my breath.