Always be yourself

Yesterday I wrote about my terrible self esteem.

Today, my 10 year old tells me that nobody wants to talk to her at lunch and recess.

Crushed.

She dropped this on me about 10 seconds before the bus pulled up.

At that point all I could do was hug her, kiss her forehead and tell her that we would talk when she gets back on Saturday.

So here I sit with tears in my eyes.

I always tell my girls to just be themselves.

But, let’s face it, in the world we live in, that is extremely difficult, and a lot of times brings on disappointment.

I grew up being different. I was quirky and weird, and still am.

Yes, I had friends, but I remember not liking the same popular things as most girls did.

I was bullied and picked on. I was made fun of and taunted.

It was hurtful.

We see it every day. Age has nothing to do with it.

And it all comes down to kids not accepting that no two people are the same.

Physically, emotionally and everything else in between.

My beautiful 10 year old doesn’t like all the same girly stuff that other girls do.

She dislikes dresses and frilly things.

She isn’t into dolls or boybands.

She loves to draw. She likes Five Nights at Freddys and playing Mario.

She doesn’t fit in with the typical norm.

I want her to know that it is ok.

It is not an easy road to travel.

I have never fit in.

I know how she feels.

Why though?

Why does any kid have to feel ashamed and lonely for being themselves?

Why does society put so much emphasis on being a particular way?

It is truly heartbreaking and it saddens me that at only 10, my daughter is questioning herself because others are ignorant and judgmental.

Take a moment. Talk to her. See how big this little girls heart is.

She holds the door for strangers. She offers help when she sees other people in need.

She is bright and energetic.

She is a lovely little girl.

And the tears in my eyes begin to fall.

Please, I cannot stress it enough, help your children understand that no two people are alike.

A little girls heart and self esteem are in the balance.

Don’t make her feel like she has to change just so she can have friends and be included.

Because I have taught her that.

And I will continue to instill that lesson as long as I remain on this earth.

Love the people that don’t seem lovable. Accept those that may be different from you.

Don’t judge before you know the person, and always be yourself.

I love you baby girl, and I will always be your fan. You be you.

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Lost

I took a break yesterday from writing.

But, I was thinking about the things in life I want most.

The obvious is that I want happiness for myself and my family.

However, I know that I must figure out ways to improve our lives.

I don’t ask for much really.

I am a pretty simple person when it comes down to it.

I don’t need expensive clothes and cars and whatever else other people strive for in life.

More than anything, the two top things I want in life are a suitable house for the 6 of us, and the means to provide it.

Which means, I need to figure out what direction I am going in.

For now, I would settle for a move.

It would still have to be a rental since my credit took a nose dive shortly after my divorce.

A three bedroom apartment is not what we deserve.

Loud tenants all around. Lack of space. Lack of a place for the girls to go outside and just play.

Last evening as we were getting the girls ready for bed, the fire alarm goes off.

Again.

That would be the third time since we lived here that we had to wrangle everyone up, head out the door, as the alarms are blasting, and sit in my car and wait for the all clear from fire and police.

The alarm malfunctioned.

The funny thing is, I have contacted two different rental ads with no response.

Why are you going to advertise that you have a property for rent and then never get back to potential tenants. Thanks.

One day, one day, we hope to own a home. Nothing fancy. But, a home for all of us to settle down in, as a family.

I am so tired of being on the move.

Then there is me.

Going to be really harsh on myself, because that is what I do.

I am a failure. I have amounted to nothing. I think that that feeling has got to be one of the worst feelings I struggle with right now.

And, I have no idea where I belong.

I have pretty much failed at every endeavor that I have tried.

I was a real estate agent for awhile. Took all the classes, got my license, and failed.

Was going to go into nursing. Failed.

Decided to get my paralegal degree, made it through quite a bit of my classes, divorce happened and so went my motivation. Failed.

In a perfect world I could find something that incorporates all my useless talents…writing, painting, drawing, creating, crocheting….along with my desire to help, and love and show kindness.

That job doesn’t exist.

So, the question remains, where do I belong? How do I figure out how to improve my life? What direction should I be going in?

I feel so overwhelmed by the questions that I can’t even think of how to fix it.

I just don’t know how to fix any of it.

An un royal wedding

Not mine.

The ex is getting remarried today.

I have to say that I am pretty indifferent on the matter.

However, it does create thoughts about my future wedding.

Or lack there of.

I never had a dress the first time around at age 23.

Probably won’t have one again when my fiance and I officially get married.

Sadly, who would come? If no one is present, why the hell would I need a dress, bouquet, or reception?

No centerpieces, dj’s, cakes or catering.

I have lost so many friends and acquaintances over the years.

I only have bits and pieces of my family left and a lot of them are older and ailing.

It’s nobody’s fault, it just is what it is, and I guess that is what is bothering me the most.

I already offered him a pre-congratulations.

No bitter feelings.

Life goes on.

Lucky

I am lucky.

For many reasons my life is a true challenge.

Always a struggle.

But, when I look at the bigger picture, I am truly blessed.

It’s only been two days since my girls have been gone, and I know there are only two more, but I miss them.

Then we have little P.

Peyton Rose who is with me every day.

I was in a serious funk yesterday for reasons I am not quite sure of.

As the day progressed, I got to witness Peyton sit up on her own, pull herself up to kneeling and take a few movements forward in crawling position.

I am one proud mom.

And it reminds me that even though most days I feel like the unglamorous Cinderella before she married the prince, my job is quite important.

I hate toiling almost every day.

Who likes to clean and take care of all these mundane tasks?

But, I do it for my family, because they come first.

I may not have amounted to much. I didn’t finish college and have tried and failed at many things. I have never really known where I belong.

But, I am a good mom.

Not perfect. But, a loving, caring, nurturing and dedicated mom.

In my heart that is success.

I am lucky to have these little lives in mine.

Wednesdays Part 2

It sucks that I have to miss my babies 3-4 days a week.

Then your 5 year old has a meltdown and doesn’t want to go to daddy’s.

Why? A lot of ” I don’t knows” and shoulder shrugs later and I come to the conclusion that sometimes it is just hard.

In her little mind she can’t quite put her finger on it, but I understand.

I understand that life has changed and your little world was turned upside down.

I understand that it is a lot of stress for you to handle.

Which makes it harder on mummy.

Daddy is getting remarried this weekend.

I get it babydoll.

No matter what, I am your mom. Nothing can ever change that.

Each week, Wednesday comes and you have to go.

Each week, mummy will be there to scoop you back up when it is time to come home.

I am not going anywhere.

On Tuesday I think about how drained I am.

On Wednesday, my heart breaks a little when I have to say goodbye.

But, mummy loves you all and I understand.

Wednesdays

Hump day is always tough for me.

Not because I am anticipating the end of the work week. I pretty much work 24/7.

But because each week the mornings seem hurried. The goodbyes don’t last long enough when I know I won’t be seeing my kiddos for 4 days.

For me, that has been one of the toughest things I have had to deal with, and there have been plenty.

True, it gives me a break. It cuts my kid count down by three.

It is a little quieter. Less hectic. Gives me the opportunity to do and take care of things with a little less stress, but I always want them with me.

I have never really known what I wanted to do in life. Never really had a plan. Which is a whole different problem in itself.

But, I never expected to be a mom to 4 lovely girls.

I have also never known the capacity of my heart to love so deeply.

My girls are my world. My ultimate reason to wake up each day and persevere in this life.

Because of them, even when life is a total downward spiral, I pick myself up and move forward.

It hasn’t been easy.

I have been significantly tested over the past 3 years.

Some of the very worst times of my life. Struggling to make ends meet.

Struggling to remain strong.

Not knowing what the future holds.

All I know is, things must change.

I need to find my place in this world. Show my girls that they can overcome anything and be successful.

I have never been an excuse maker. I have never been the kind of person who just throws their hands up and walks away from a problem or challenge.

But, here I am lost and feeling defeated.

SOS

Re-constructing my life is going to take some serious work.

Not sure at this point that I have what it takes.

Do you cry?

I used to view myself as a rock solid fortress.

No one dared to break through that barrier.

I had my game face on 24/7.

Then I became a mom.

Every emotion that I once kept guarded became free flowing, real and uncontrollable.

Life became real. Unconditional love became real. Heartbreak and joy became real.

It only intensified as each new life joined mine.

I literally got choked up watching Frozen.

Commercials, tv shows, new stories.

Tears.

I never cried unless I had good reason.

Now I am touched and enlightened by everything.

Punishments make my heart swell up inside me.

The little eyes looking at me in disbelief as I lay down the law.

Yes, it hurts me little one. Mommy doesn’t want to, but mommy also needs to be your teacher, your guide.

Drawings, stories, pictures.

All of them are all of you and because I am so blessed with being your mom, these things are so special to me.

Seeing their faces light up when they know they have done something good.

Watching their excitement over the little things we take for granted.

All these things move me, because I get to be a part of your learning, your exploration, your adventures and your triumphs.

Oh how I wish that disappointment, failure and sadness were not a part of life.

My heart aches at the pieces I sometimes have to pick up and for the life struggles you will have to face.

My heart never wants you to feel those lows.

Do you cry?

Do you cry on the inside because you never realized how much you could love?

Do you tear up imagining what life would be without them?

This once hardened, straight faced girl has become this selfless, kind hearted and dedicated woman.

All because of you.

Those 4 sweet faces have created a being that never truly knew her capacity of love.

The ups. The downs.

The good. The bad.

Thank you my loves. My heart is full and overflowing.

Not just for you.

But for everyone who knows the power and pain of true love.

You have opened my eyes, you have taught me about compassion, kindness, sacrifice and strength.

You have made me a better person.

Thank you.