In the “write” place

I never planned for my life to go the way it has. 

In fact, I never really envisioned anything other than being happy. 

Is it careless to allow life to go as it should?

Should I have made sure that I had a clear and precise plan?

What I am sure of, is that everything has happened for a reason. Even when I have had doubts. 

With every step, each obstacle or victory or test or reward, has shaped my life the way it truly needed to go. 

I am not a religious person, but I understand why having something to believe in is so important. 

It gives you the hope to continue going when you don’t think you can. 

In my mindset, I have been through a lot. In each persons mind, their fight is unique and worse than anybody elses. 

Just remember that, and don’t try to down play their struggle. 

I believe my journey, no matter what I thought it was supposed to be, happened the way it was meant to. 

I have found that I have come almost full circle. 

I have found that “person” I was supposed to be with. 

I have learned about the importance of love and trust and family. 

I am coming back to that creative and unique chick I once was. 

All I can feel is that I feel more at home now in my skin, and I lost my way for a bit. 

I have always been driven by my desire to create, to make, to be a part of anything that pertained to art. Music, writing, drawing, painting, giving, creating….those are things that drive me and keep my heart alive. 

I always hoped that one day I would be “famous” so to speak for something that involved my talents. 

Things I had to learn, but things that I taught myself and had an abilty for. Things that made me happy to share with others. 

I have always loved to write. 

I have always loved being creative. Making floral arrangements, crocheting or coming up with my own ideas for something new and neat! 

I love photography and taking pictures of everything. Capturing moments and memories and beauty. 

I love to sing even though I am only so so. Music has always been fuel for me. 

I would love to show my girls to never give up on their dreams. 

I am almost 37 years old, and I feel like I have a whole hell of a lot to still offer.

Just want to find that thing that helps me to connect with the world. I want to make a difference! 

Awesome

I have been feeling really good and motivated lately. 

Yesterday I took a walk. For exercise purposes. 

Working out, training, exercising…all have been the furthest thought on my mind. 

Not to say that it doesn’t bother me, I miss being active. But, a shitstorm has been crushing me. Yes, I have been making excuses. 

I used to always say that you make excuses to find the easy way out, and that is true. I just totally lost my way. 

In that, i admit, I wanted the easy way out, because I just didn’t have the strength and motivation to tackle everything. I had to prioritize. 

But, I am starting to gain strength again. 

Took that same walk today. Instead of walking the whole way, I jogged the last half of the distance back to the house. 

Everything is one day at a time. 

I am pregnant, so I must be careful. I have been having serious sciatica nerve pain and problems, so I don’t want to aggravate that. I also don’t want to let it win, and have me mostly on my ass or in bed for the next 6 months. 

I have gained 13 lbs. More than probably I should have at this point. Yes, the doritos are great. The french fries and sour gummi worms are awesome. Will I still have some. Of course, I am human after all. But, I am going to be more careful with my choices. 

Also, because I had gestational diabetes during my last pregnancy. So, I am a greater risk this time.

But, like I said, one day at a time. 

I feel good today though. I know the crap around me isn’t going to completely disappear. 

But, I feel good today. 

Life….GFY! 

Up shitcreek without a paddle. 

Being kicked while I am down. 

I am sure there are more, but just can’t think of them. 

Here I thought 2017 would bring bigger and better things. 

Hahahahaha

Too funny! 

I have been tested for nearly two years now. 

When is it going to be too much for me to handle? When am I just going to breakdown and crumble. 

Financially I am so fucked right now that it has become comical. 

Can’t even find a part time job that is willing to allow me to remain being the attentive and caring mom that I am now. 

But then on the other hand, my anxiety prevents me from pursuing other opportunities. I even put a stop to my Jamberry business. It was going nowhere.

WTF! 

So then, I am three months pregnant at this point. This is the first pregnancy that I have felt like I am not pregnant, and how do I put this, not really excited. Like, I will totally love the baby, but all the stresses I have now are preventing me from all the joy that leads up to giving birth. 

We are so terribly unprepared. I have never been this much of a wreck in life. All this uncertainty seriously puts my anxiety into overdrive. 

Then, my brother calls me yesterday to inform me that my dad fell outside and broke his hip. 

Holy fuck! 

My dad is weak and frail as it is because he has been battling leukemia for over a dozen years. He has had two brain surgeries. If you sneeze near the man, it could put him in the hospital. His immune system is pretty much non existent.

He was taken by ambulance to the hospital and last bit of information I received was that he was going to be in the ICU due to his pre existing conditions. 

I said it before and I will say it again, I know I have fucked up in the past. But, I have been really trying to be a better person. 

I even made amends with my mom who is so hard to deal with because she has bi-polar disorder. 

What more do you want from me GOD! Please ease up some! PLEASE! 

I do not know how much more I can take. 

So, I want to end with a post I made on my facebook earlier. I hope it resonates with some people, and I hope it helps others to understand a little better. 

“My brain is such a mess today! Here is what it is like inside the mind of someone with anxiety. Mindless driving. You are paying attention but not, because your thoughts are everywhere else. Creating scenarios. Solving problems that are not even problems yet. Thinking about the what ifs. Psyching yourself out. Making excuses not to do the things you know you have to do. Promising yourself you will take care of them later or tomorrow. Gritting your teeth and not even knowing it. Avoiding contact with anyone. Wanting silence but to also not be alone. Avoiding situations that are outside your comfort zone because the outcome may not be what you are expecting and the unknown frightens you. Not being able to sit still and having to be busy at all times, but also tired and wanting to relax. Wanting to give up because you know it would be easier, but not because you know that you can’t. Struggling to hold your shit together when you just want to burst into tears……that is anxiety.”

Here I am….

First of all, before I get into my MIA status, I just want to say, everything, everything I say and write comes from my heart and soul. No lies, no fabrication. True, honest and genuine. It is the only way I know. It has acquired me enemies. It has turned people close to me away. But, it has also helped me realize the special people who belong in my life. 

They get me, at least somewhat, and they accept me. 

So, on to the next order of business….

This was my Thanksgiving. 


One test just wasn’t enough since this was unexpected. We just accepted that it wasn’t going to happen and allowed our lives to go on as normal. 

This has been the worst pregnancy in terms of sickness so far. Ultimately, my last too. Getting too old for this shit!!! Haha 

I actually feel somewhat human today, and was proud of myself for not having to throw up while attempting to brush my teeth this morning. 

Then, on top of that, we moved. Hopefully for the last time for awhile. 

We have been having a lot of financial strain due to all the kicks in the teeth we have been given. 

I try to remain positive. It is something I used to fail at miserably. But, guess what, no matter how hard our life is, overall I can’t express enough how much better I feel as a person. 

Even when the shit is thick like right now, (I have daily anxiety about how I am going to pay for my girls Christmas layaway), I know that I am shining through. 

People I don’t really even know are happy to see me. I guess I sparkle in a way I don’t fully understand, but that makes my heart happy. 

And as I was driving home from my first ultrasound and first round of bloodwork, I realized that I am stronger than I have ever been. 

Getting a divorce for me has been exhausting and devastating in some ways, but so liberating in others. 

You never really realize how stiffled you are until you have that chance to live and breathe. 

Is my life going the way I planned? Hell no! What I thought I once needed in life was so wrong for me. I am content with my decisions. 

They have made me who I am today. I once felt lost. I now feel human again. Which in turn, as much as it sucks, makes every frickin struggle and obstacle worth it. 

Why do we keep getting the shitty end of the stick? It has been over a year of crap being slung at us. Can we have a break now? Seriously, I don’t mind having to work hard, but at some point there has to be an end to this turbulent tunnel. 

So, I guess this all kinda derails my initial life overhaul. God had a different plan, and I am ok with that. 

Todd gets to have a child of his own. I get to love another tiny life unconditionally like I do my three beautiful girls. 

So, when you are standing in shit up to your eyeballs, don’t change your direction. Keep moving forward and see all the amazing things you have and get to be a part of. 

You have made it this far, nothing can stop you! 

Retail

Todd and I were talking about working the retail life. 

I have been a mere associate, and I have been more. 

I am going to speak from the level of management. It is a much more expansive picture to paint. 

So ya, we run registers. Nowadays we don’t have to worry about counting back change. More often than not, the customer is swiping or inserting a card instead. (I will not even get into my disgust for chip readers). 

But, as a retail store manager there is so much more. 

We pretty much run the entire operation of the store. 

We hire and fire. 

We order, receive and unpack. 

We train and teach our employees. 

We scold and reprimand employees when need be. 

We work up all the numbers each day and are held accountable when numbers are not correct and where they are expected. 

We manage all the transactions, cash, charges, returns. 

We order supplies to make sure we can continue to be operational each day. 

We set sales, reorganize, set up, tear down, change, decorate or promote our products on a daily basis. 

We often skip our lunch breaks because getting the new floor set done is more important. 

We have to get talked down to from higher ups that don’t want to hear any of your excuses. 

Dealing with insubordinate employees, lying, or stealing. 

I had an employee one Christmas that took a 15 min break, and came back drolling and slurring and acting crazy. He ended up shooting heroin on his little break. 

And just like the associates below us, we still have to have a smile on our faces for our customers. 

We have to help and serve them and help them with their needs, because they are the people who ultimately keep our paychecks coming. 

For a measly $400 a week, I was expected to do it all. 
I had people blame me for everything, fight and argue. I have had people who I grew to know very well that appreciated what I did. 

People trying to shoplift. Fighting on the weekends. Ignorant teenagers that were obviously not raised well. 

It was one of the most stressful jobs I have ever had. But, I had a purpose. It felt good that somebody believed in me enough to hand me keys to the store and say, here ya go, you got this. 

So, just remember that as the holidays approach. Although I am not in the business anymore, I know what it is like to get paid shit, treated like shit and yet have so much responsibility. 

Just be respectful. Be human. Be real. 

The Big Purge

I have accumulated way too much crap in the past 14 years. I keep packing it up and dragging it on to the next place.

This time, I am tossing shit left and right and loving every minute of it. 

After so much of our stuff was destroyed in the garage, I decided there was so much other “garbage” we don’t need, obviously don’t want, and some things just needed to go so we can part with our past. 


I am moving on. We are moving on. We have learned a lot about ourselves and eachother and I am just exhausted with the fight. Nobody wins, like I said. 

I lived a life where I lived pretty well. I became arrogant and hateful. 

Time to simplify. I feel renewed, so it is time to start new. 

I was living a lie. I thought I knew where I belonged. I was young. I wasn’t wise enough yet. 

I have grown, I have learned, I have stumbled and I have fallen flat on my face. 

But, where I am in life right now, with myself and my life, it is where I belong. 

I have things that are a piece of me, like my yarn and coloring books. 

But, there are plenty of things that I no longer need to hold on to.

I am totally ok with that. 

I am just being me these days, and I couldn’t be happier. 

23 days

I challenged myself 23 days ago to improve my life. It was more than just getting back in shape. 

It was about me facing my problems and doing something about them. 

So far, the gym has been the last thing on my mind. 

My progress begins with facing the biggest fear I have ever had in life. 

It has been a tough transition for us all. We just need to realize that people were hurt, shit was said and we can’t hit undo. We have to be adults and just cut the shit! (Shit is my word of the day today, by the way, seems I have been using it alot!)

So there! 

See, I am a funny girl, but I could never be less than a good mother, and I would always protect my girls. I never break a promise, just ask my oldest. I have only let her down once, and that was because I ended up in the hospital with double lung pneumonia. 

So, on that note, todays triumph was a personal one, and honestly, I think we all won. 

But then, the next improvement is finding another suitable home that isn’t taking us broke. 

So, by the end of this month, we are moving yet again. Hopefully, the last stop for awhile. And again, in this situation, everybody wins! 

That is all I really have for now. One day at a time. 

But, a few last words…

Life sucks. But, don’t let the “life sucks” stuff ruin all the good stuff. Once I tackled my fears, I realized that I am happy. I am content with life in general. There will be shitstorms, some that might get you to your breaking point, but you have done so well so far. All god wants for you is to keep trying. 

Much love! 

-Melanie