In the “write” place

I never planned for my life to go the way it has. 

In fact, I never really envisioned anything other than being happy. 

Is it careless to allow life to go as it should?

Should I have made sure that I had a clear and precise plan?

What I am sure of, is that everything has happened for a reason. Even when I have had doubts. 

With every step, each obstacle or victory or test or reward, has shaped my life the way it truly needed to go. 

I am not a religious person, but I understand why having something to believe in is so important. 

It gives you the hope to continue going when you don’t think you can. 

In my mindset, I have been through a lot. In each persons mind, their fight is unique and worse than anybody elses. 

Just remember that, and don’t try to down play their struggle. 

I believe my journey, no matter what I thought it was supposed to be, happened the way it was meant to. 

I have found that I have come almost full circle. 

I have found that “person” I was supposed to be with. 

I have learned about the importance of love and trust and family. 

I am coming back to that creative and unique chick I once was. 

All I can feel is that I feel more at home now in my skin, and I lost my way for a bit. 

I have always been driven by my desire to create, to make, to be a part of anything that pertained to art. Music, writing, drawing, painting, giving, creating….those are things that drive me and keep my heart alive. 

I always hoped that one day I would be “famous” so to speak for something that involved my talents. 

Things I had to learn, but things that I taught myself and had an abilty for. Things that made me happy to share with others. 

I have always loved to write. 

I have always loved being creative. Making floral arrangements, crocheting or coming up with my own ideas for something new and neat! 

I love photography and taking pictures of everything. Capturing moments and memories and beauty. 

I love to sing even though I am only so so. Music has always been fuel for me. 

I would love to show my girls to never give up on their dreams. 

I am almost 37 years old, and I feel like I have a whole hell of a lot to still offer.

Just want to find that thing that helps me to connect with the world. I want to make a difference! 

Retail: Part Two

So, after I wrote the first retail post, I thought about the other side of it. 

Any job can be nasty. That is why it is a paying job, and not a hobby. 

But anyways, there are plenty of great things I got out of working retail. 

First and foremost, I learned a lot about myself. I was once the shy kid who wouldn’t raise my hand, even if I knew the answer. 

I was shy at first in the retail world, but then I just starting opening up and being myself. 

I was outgoing, and damn good at my job. And I liked that I was good at something. 

I made lasting friendships with some of the people I worked with. 

I learned about people and how they react, and I learned how to communicate with everyone. 

I got the fulfillment of meeting some of those truly special people who have respect and grace no matter who they come in contact with or what mood they are in. 

I got to participate in the holiday madness. Even though I dreaded it, it gave me a rush. I felt a part of something magical helping people select the perfect gift for someone. 

I learned to stand up for myself too. 

Some days I can’t imagine working a job like that again, and other times I truly miss it. 

I haven’t been good at much throughout my life. I used to be a quitter of everything. 

But, I was good at communicating with people. Being someone they went to for help. A familiar face. A friend. 

That feels like success to me. 

Retail

Todd and I were talking about working the retail life. 

I have been a mere associate, and I have been more. 

I am going to speak from the level of management. It is a much more expansive picture to paint. 

So ya, we run registers. Nowadays we don’t have to worry about counting back change. More often than not, the customer is swiping or inserting a card instead. (I will not even get into my disgust for chip readers). 

But, as a retail store manager there is so much more. 

We pretty much run the entire operation of the store. 

We hire and fire. 

We order, receive and unpack. 

We train and teach our employees. 

We scold and reprimand employees when need be. 

We work up all the numbers each day and are held accountable when numbers are not correct and where they are expected. 

We manage all the transactions, cash, charges, returns. 

We order supplies to make sure we can continue to be operational each day. 

We set sales, reorganize, set up, tear down, change, decorate or promote our products on a daily basis. 

We often skip our lunch breaks because getting the new floor set done is more important. 

We have to get talked down to from higher ups that don’t want to hear any of your excuses. 

Dealing with insubordinate employees, lying, or stealing. 

I had an employee one Christmas that took a 15 min break, and came back drolling and slurring and acting crazy. He ended up shooting heroin on his little break. 

And just like the associates below us, we still have to have a smile on our faces for our customers. 

We have to help and serve them and help them with their needs, because they are the people who ultimately keep our paychecks coming. 

For a measly $400 a week, I was expected to do it all. 
I had people blame me for everything, fight and argue. I have had people who I grew to know very well that appreciated what I did. 

People trying to shoplift. Fighting on the weekends. Ignorant teenagers that were obviously not raised well. 

It was one of the most stressful jobs I have ever had. But, I had a purpose. It felt good that somebody believed in me enough to hand me keys to the store and say, here ya go, you got this. 

So, just remember that as the holidays approach. Although I am not in the business anymore, I know what it is like to get paid shit, treated like shit and yet have so much responsibility. 

Just be respectful. Be human. Be real. 

Dear God

Dear Lord in heaven, I am trying very hard to be the best human I can be. I am happier now in life and want to live a good honest life. I rarely ask for help, I am strong and like to handle things on my own, but, I need your help right now. We need a fresh start. I have some offered help from my dad, but it is not going to be enough to finalize it. Please, please open my eyes to the answer. Please help me figure out the way to simplify my life and live happily with my family. Thank you. 

Amen

Nobody cares….

I was thinking yesterday about all my hardships recently. How I am trying so hard not to screw up, but how some things are out of my hands. 

I wonder if people see my efforts. If they respect the fact that I hate failure, and it is obvious I am trying to do all that I can to make it right. 

Then I realized, nobody outside my circle gives a shit about me and who I am. 

I can plead my case, ask for help, let them know what I am going through and all that I want to do, and it means nothing. 

I am a nobody, and I need to accept that I am no more special than anyone else. 

I have dreams and hopes. I have desires and needs. Some people just get handed opportunity, while others struggle just to keep afloat. 

What makes that other person more acceptable or appealing? 

I am honest and true. Responsible, passionate, loving and caring. I want to be happy in life. I want to be the best mom I can be. I am creative and outgoing, enthusiastic about the things I love. I want to help people, make people smile and know that I am doing something great for somebody else. 

But, it seems with all those qualities, I just don’t belong anywhere. I don’t understand why. 

I can’t find a part time job that will honor my duties as mom when I have my girls. I live my life selflessly, and still I am not seen. 

So, I just need to accept the fact that I am a nobody. I have always seen myself do great things, be something, be successful. 

I guess I am reaching too high. 

Will I ever change who I am? Nope. 

Maybe someday someone will see my potential.