Self Conscious

My skin has always been an issue.

I always wished I were one of those girls walking around with flawless skin.

Adult acne, due to hormones, was always a problem, up until now.

Us moms, our bodies go through so much shit as we age and go through pregnancies and beyond.

I am not at the beyond yet, but I know it’s around the bend as I approach 40.

This last pregnancy left me with a new skin problem that has really trampled my self esteem.

Mask of pregnancy or Malasma.

It it characterized by brown or dark patches of skin, mainly on the face.

Finally, my skin is pretty clear of acne, but now I have brown spots.

I guess I just can’t win.

So, today I finally got a haircut after many months.

And, I am sharing my face. Make up helps. But, it still looks like I have a 5 o’clock shadow above my lip and my forehead is affected too.

But, I have this gorgeous little girl now.

I have a 5 year old who also has marks on her face. She was born with a port wine stain on the side of her face and up around a part of her eye.

She rocks it! She is so beautiful. She is fully aware of them and just says that the birthmark just makes her her.

So, even though my spots aren’t as dramatic as my daughters, they are there. I am sure my anxiety fuels me feeling bad about them too.

Feeling good today with my haircut and not caring what anybody thinks.

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How do you title this? 

Much like my writing, my exercising has also been sporadic. 

But, I am having another good day today. 

I am 16 weeks today. I have about 4 more until my next ultrasound. Hopefully we find that we have a healthy baby, and perhaps know better how to address baby Meyers. 

So, today I did some working out, the best I could without being in a gym. 


I know that I have gained weight. I also know that it is all worth while, and I know how to handle it, when all is said and done. 

I have tons of before and after shots and progress pics that I can use as motivation. 

I have done this before, I know I can do it again. 

This being one of them: 


Hard work doesn’t scare me. It challenges me. It drives me. 

All in all, I am becoming anxious to have this baby in my arms. I still have so much more to go. 

Been feeling tiny movements lately. Over the next two weeks the baby apps say the baby will double in size. 

Hoping then I can share those movements with Todd. 

He is a first timer, this is all new and exciting for him. 

I have been excited every time. 

No matter what hell you go through, it is all worth it in the end. 

A supreme joy that you can not compare to anything else. 

The best thing you can do is try to enjoy the journey. 


I puked up almost every meal for weeks.

My skin has been a mess. Dry. Oily. Breaking out. 

My pants have been getting tighter. 

My hair has gotten thicker and in deperate need of an overhaul. 

My back has gotten tighter and my skin has gotten looser. 

Some nights when I try to sleep insomnia steps in, or total discomfort keeps me tossing and turning. 

I may complain, but it is all part of the beautiful disaster that pregnancy truly is.

The instant and unconditional love you have when that baby is placed before you erases all the obstacles along the way. 

Awesome

I have been feeling really good and motivated lately. 

Yesterday I took a walk. For exercise purposes. 

Working out, training, exercising…all have been the furthest thought on my mind. 

Not to say that it doesn’t bother me, I miss being active. But, a shitstorm has been crushing me. Yes, I have been making excuses. 

I used to always say that you make excuses to find the easy way out, and that is true. I just totally lost my way. 

In that, i admit, I wanted the easy way out, because I just didn’t have the strength and motivation to tackle everything. I had to prioritize. 

But, I am starting to gain strength again. 

Took that same walk today. Instead of walking the whole way, I jogged the last half of the distance back to the house. 

Everything is one day at a time. 

I am pregnant, so I must be careful. I have been having serious sciatica nerve pain and problems, so I don’t want to aggravate that. I also don’t want to let it win, and have me mostly on my ass or in bed for the next 6 months. 

I have gained 13 lbs. More than probably I should have at this point. Yes, the doritos are great. The french fries and sour gummi worms are awesome. Will I still have some. Of course, I am human after all. But, I am going to be more careful with my choices. 

Also, because I had gestational diabetes during my last pregnancy. So, I am a greater risk this time.

But, like I said, one day at a time. 

I feel good today though. I know the crap around me isn’t going to completely disappear. 

But, I feel good today. 

Life….GFY! 

Up shitcreek without a paddle. 

Being kicked while I am down. 

I am sure there are more, but just can’t think of them. 

Here I thought 2017 would bring bigger and better things. 

Hahahahaha

Too funny! 

I have been tested for nearly two years now. 

When is it going to be too much for me to handle? When am I just going to breakdown and crumble. 

Financially I am so fucked right now that it has become comical. 

Can’t even find a part time job that is willing to allow me to remain being the attentive and caring mom that I am now. 

But then on the other hand, my anxiety prevents me from pursuing other opportunities. I even put a stop to my Jamberry business. It was going nowhere.

WTF! 

So then, I am three months pregnant at this point. This is the first pregnancy that I have felt like I am not pregnant, and how do I put this, not really excited. Like, I will totally love the baby, but all the stresses I have now are preventing me from all the joy that leads up to giving birth. 

We are so terribly unprepared. I have never been this much of a wreck in life. All this uncertainty seriously puts my anxiety into overdrive. 

Then, my brother calls me yesterday to inform me that my dad fell outside and broke his hip. 

Holy fuck! 

My dad is weak and frail as it is because he has been battling leukemia for over a dozen years. He has had two brain surgeries. If you sneeze near the man, it could put him in the hospital. His immune system is pretty much non existent.

He was taken by ambulance to the hospital and last bit of information I received was that he was going to be in the ICU due to his pre existing conditions. 

I said it before and I will say it again, I know I have fucked up in the past. But, I have been really trying to be a better person. 

I even made amends with my mom who is so hard to deal with because she has bi-polar disorder. 

What more do you want from me GOD! Please ease up some! PLEASE! 

I do not know how much more I can take. 

So, I want to end with a post I made on my facebook earlier. I hope it resonates with some people, and I hope it helps others to understand a little better. 

“My brain is such a mess today! Here is what it is like inside the mind of someone with anxiety. Mindless driving. You are paying attention but not, because your thoughts are everywhere else. Creating scenarios. Solving problems that are not even problems yet. Thinking about the what ifs. Psyching yourself out. Making excuses not to do the things you know you have to do. Promising yourself you will take care of them later or tomorrow. Gritting your teeth and not even knowing it. Avoiding contact with anyone. Wanting silence but to also not be alone. Avoiding situations that are outside your comfort zone because the outcome may not be what you are expecting and the unknown frightens you. Not being able to sit still and having to be busy at all times, but also tired and wanting to relax. Wanting to give up because you know it would be easier, but not because you know that you can’t. Struggling to hold your shit together when you just want to burst into tears……that is anxiety.”

Personal challenge

It has been quite some time since I have added anything new here. 

Part of me was just disgusted and wanted to avoid everyone. 

Another part of me just didn’t have anything to say. 

Starting today, I begin a new journey to get the rest of my life back. 

Divorce is done, even though there are still custody issues, but I really have no more excuses other than I became lazy. That is not me. 

I am in control of my own life. Each day I wake up, it is up to me to make decisions that will affect how my day goes, how my life goes. 

I will not allow anyone or anything to hold me back. I have a lot of work to do. 

I really became derailed after my divorce, but I feel like it is time to take control again. 

I know it won’t be perfect, and I know I will have days where I struggle, but I am keeping the mindset that it is my life, my choices and I tell the tale. 

I am not going to write here every day, but I plan to update my progress as I need to. Not only to motivate others, but to hold myself accountable and to celebrate my triumphs. 

This is an entire life make over. I want to be healthy again. Started smoking when I got separated. Quit working out. I want to succeed at my Jamberry business. Be a great mom and role model for my 3 girls. 

Enough is enough. One day at a time. I will get back to where I was and more. 

I have great family and people in my life. Todd never gives up on me. It is time to be brave and do amazing things. 

I know what needs to be done. 

A new angel

God has received a new angel today. If you have read my previous posts, you will see a story about a friend who was battling melanoma. 

She fought bravely and with grace, but God knew that she had grown tired. 


He called her home this morning. 

We were never really “friends” in highschool, but she was always accepting of everyone. 

Time passed and we reconnected on facebook. I found that we had a lot in common, and I felt closer to her. 

After I found out that she was sick, I knew in my heart that no matter how hard she fought, the evil was going to win. 

I had hope, I wished and prayed for her healing. Every time she was absent, I feared the worst. 

This morning, she was able to rest. She was able to let go of the pain. 

But, let this be a lesson, especially because I try to believe that everything happens for a reason. 

It has been said before, but you only have one life. Live it to the best and fullest you can. 

Go out and do something good for somebody else today. Do it for Amy. 

Pass the love along. Live. 

Beauty and the Beast

I have been thinking about writing this for days. I wanted to make sure I had uninterrupted time to devote to what I want to say. 

This post is not about arrogance. It is a post about reality, truth, love and a story. 

We all find in life that when we can relate to something, it gives us a sense of familiarity. 

So, here is where it begins. 

Todd and I have had a rocky time of things since the beginning. 

I feel like we are constantly being tested to see what can finally bring us down. 

We both have our faults, which are often magnified by surrounding obstacles.

One day it clicked for me. We are pretty much a real life “Beauty and the Beast”. 


I am not saying I am as beautiful as Belle. It is more so the symbolism of the story. 

I am the kind, loving and caring part, and he is the tough, guarded and no nonsense part. 

The love that they have developed for one another is unmistakable and true. But, as different as they were, they were very much the same, but showed it and lived it different ways. 

I firmly believe that Todd is my soulmate. He is my best friend, and I can not imagine my life without him. 

Just like Sharon and Ozzy. 

Sometimes I also feel like the movie “Hancock”. When they get too close, even though they love each other, it weakens them. 

Therefore, we are working on us, we are working on ourselves. We are hoping that couples therapy will help us understand eachother better, so we can have our happily ever after. 

He is my world, aside from my girls. There is not one thing that I look at him and say to myself, “wow, I hate that”. There are some things that need work, for both of us, but, I haven’t grown tired of having him around. I look forward to seeing him every day, and I constantly worry that eventually he is going to realize that all this crap is not worth it and he is better off flying solo.

I firmly believe that my previous marriage was a step I needed to take at the time. Not saying I married a man that I despised at the time, just saying that I never truly belonged, and I needed that journey to strengthen me, help me realize who I am, and to finally go after what I really wanted. 

It all began with the gym. Three kids later, two of which were literally back to back, I gave something that scared me a chance.

I spent many years feeling lost. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. Each year becoming more and more miserable. Coasting through life with no direction.

Where did I belong? 

After going for a few years and basically doing it all on my own, I felt a sense of self again. I felt alive. 

Somebody else identified with me. He noticed me and my drive and my desire for something he also truly loved. 

I didn’t expect it to happen. I didn’t plan it. It just happened. It has been a tough road ever since. I didn’t do it for money, or lust. I did it for love and the need to feel complete and alive again.

This is where we were….


And we will be back on top again. 

With everything going on lately, it has been so easy to lose focus. But, a quote that a friend posted the other day, really helped me to put things into perspective. 

“On particularly rough days, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.”

So, we are going to make it. No matter what bullshit is thrown in our way, we got this. 

We need to focus on us. We need to stop allowing outside sources to infect our lives. 

This picture was taken right when the madness began. That closeness and adoration has not changed one bit.


But, quite often with all the chaos, it is easy to forget where it all began. 

Every challenge is a test of strength and love. We have made it this far. Now it is time for us to test ourselves and become better than we once were. 

I love you Todd. Nothing in this world could ever change that.