Epiphany

No, God didn’t come to me. 

But, I came to the realization about something.

As I sat here the other morning, fighting off the worst migraine I have ever had, I realized how stupid I was.

I let him win. My ex doesn’t want me and Todd together. He wants to punish me and bring me down any way he can. 

Because I was so worried about losing the girls, I let that a-hole manipulate me and bully me into making a decision I didn’t want to make. 

No more! I am an adult and no longer married to him. He has no right now or ever to dictate to me how I live my life. 

The control ends here. I am not throwing away my soulmate because he has unresolved issues. 

I was seriously in a state of depression thinking about the hasty decision I made. All because he feels the girls are not safe in my care. 

Shit happens and people make mistakes, but I can tell you that I am a damn good mom, and my girls are well taken care of. 

So, fuck you sir! I am not under your laws and rules anymore. I have a mind of my own, and all your petty garbage, calling child protective services on me and trying to get a pfa are futile. 

Telling me I need psychiatric evaluations. No! He does. 

I am so awesome now! I almost made the worst decision of my life. I am glad I was able to see the light. 

I will always fight for my girls and what is worth it. My life is mine and it is time for him to grow up and leave us alone. 

Advertisements

Divorce…I don’t recommend it

If you are truly unhappy, and you have expressed your feelings and nothing has changed, divorce is always an option. 

But, if you are not good with dealing with stress, I urge you to find an alternative. Sorry, I don’t have an answer for what that alternative could be. 

Let’s face it, most divorces are not amicable. There is a lot of tension, anger, hate, mistrust, court, money being thrown away….

It is just nasty, and unless you strongly believe it will all be ok, think about it before you do it. 

I would never change the fact that I am divorced. I am much happier with who I am, which is extremely important, but all the chaos that comes with it, is enough to really take you down. 

I hope and pray daily that the evilness will subside and I will be able to move on and live my life peacefully…

It has been nearly a year since my divorce was finalized, it is just getting uglier. 

The moral of the story is, be prepared to give everything you have, especially if children are involved. Don’t make mistakes like I did and think that your ex is your friend. He will stab you in the back in an instant to make himself look better. Don’t say anything nasty, even though you feel you might burst at the seams if you don’t get it out. 

Be ready for tears and bad days. Strap your armor on tight, raise your shield and be ready for the attacks. 

Of course this doesn’t apply to all divorces. When people say they parted on good terms, you get a weird look on your face like you just smelled something disgusting. 

I have birthed three kids. My last who came out in 9 mins and fractured my pelvis. I have been through multiple surgeries. But, of all the things I have gone through in life, divorce and the aftermath has been the most difficult. 

It is a test of will and character and inner strength like no other. Nothing can prepare you for what could and has happened. 

You pick yourself up and continue. One day, one moment at a time is the only way. 

My life

I often wonder how I keep afloat. 

In the past two weeks, I have been bombarded with all sorts of shit. 

A real shitstorm! 

So, it starts with me. Yes, my boobs aren’t real. Not ashamed. I spent 35 years having the chest of a 10 year old.

But, something wasn’t right. Come to find, that I am so muscular, that my pec muscle pushed one of my implants out of place. I can not afford to get it fixed right now. How flippin crazy is that. Only me! 

Then, my brother contacts me, whom I haven’t talked to in over a year, to tell me that my dad was taken to the hospital with stroke symptoms. 

He has been fighting leukemia for nearly two decades and has had many complications along the way. He also has had to have various melanoma removed from his skin. 

In the same breath as telling me about my dad, my brother informs me that my only grandmother I had left died back in November from a stroke, and NOBODY told me. 

Jesus Christ! 

Wait, it gets better. 

My ex husband decided that because of the incident with my fiance, he is now taking me to court for full custody. 

How haven’t I broken down by now? 

My girls are always safe. An isolated incident. A huge wake up call for him as well as I. We are both going to counseling together because we realize the problems are greater than us. 

We are getting help, and he wants to take my girls away from me. He is a monster, and I hope he realizes the hatred he is going to create, not only from me, but from the girls. Especially my oldest. 

Nobody fears my fiance. We all realize here that he has a problem. We all want to give him a chance because we love him. 

I don’t even know how I am going to be able to pay for representation. 

I am a great mom. Not conceited. Just honest. Todd is a great father figure, that I know those girls don’t get over there since he is always at work. 

So, here I sit in a state of numbness. Not knowing what to do and how to feel. Talk about sending your anxiety into overdrive. I think now I can also include some depression. 

How have I not crumbled yet? Seriously! 

Cops, black, white, purple…

I am not married to a cop anymore. I can tell you it is a great sense of relief on so many levels. 

With all the shit and chaos going on, I feel the need to express my feelings to a larger audience. 

I gotta say, that nobody is born racist or with hate in their hearts. It is learned. 

People often say, that they do not like to be stereotyped. Well, then quit going with the crowd and break the mold. 

Not all cops are racist, much like not all black people are criminals, or all Muslims are terrorists. 

But, if you feed into the stereotypes, be prepared to be labeled.

I lived with a cop for 12 years. 12 years of my life where I was forced to often take on the role of both mom and dad, because he worked the streets to make sure our community was safe. 

It didn’t matter the color of your skin. If you called, he would be there. 

But, time and time again, there was a pattern. The black community had no respect, just because they hold a grudge. Not all of course. But, when there was a gunshot victim, 95% of the time, the color of their skin made them a statistic. 

Why? 

Nobody really knows. 

There is scum everywhere. There is way more injustice and crime and hate that doesn’t make the news. 

He dealt with situations that almost made him want to puke. People molesting or abusing their children. Rapes and assault. 

These faces have no color, because it is not a black/white thing. Some people are just damaged. 

What is unfortunate is that the media helps to spread the hate. They stereotype and point fingers better than anybody else. 

And because we are inidated with their words, we tend to believe it and accuse or judge prematurely. 

Sadly, as a cops wife, you learn to hate everyone, because all walks of life can do bad things. Not just black. Not just Muslim. 

I quit watching the news many years ago. I was sick of the bad things, and sick of the media forcing their judgements down my throat. 

Let’s just live people. Not all cops are bad. Not all black people are criminals. 

The great divide we have created is going to cause a civil war. And for what. 

Thank a cop for what they do. Thank a black man for holding the door on the way out of the local coffee shop. Thank a Muslim for letting you cut in when there is traffic. Thank a mom for picking up the pacifier your kid just tosssed to the ground. Thank a dad for helping you carry your groceries when you are pushing a stroller. Thank an old man for letting you cut ahead of him in line because you only have a few things. Thank an old lady for complimenting you on how darling your kids are. 

There are good people everywhere. You just have to find them and not judge them before they act or speak. 

We all came into this world the same way. Nobody is better than the other. 

Just live people. Just live.