Mom guilt

I often struggle with the back and forth of whether or not I fucked up. 

Not because I am unhappy. Not because I miss what I had. But, because I disrupted three small lives. 

Every single Wednesday when I drop my two youngest girls off at preschool, I walk back to my car thinking about how I won’t get to see them later. 

My youngest is almost 4, but she often has breakdowns. Sometimes before we even make it to the drop off line at school. 

She doesn’t want to go to daddy’s. Of course I know it can’t be bad there. 

She is just becoming more aware of things and doesn’t like the back and forth. 

She literally zipped up her coat after I tried to take it off in protest. 

There goes the mommy guilt. 

That certainly makes Wednesdays more difficult. 

We have good Wednesdays with no fight. 

But, I still walk solemnly back to my car, missing them already. 

That and the requirement to stay afloat in life now, now that it has been completely turned upside down, are probably the two toughest things about divorce. 

But, no matter the obstacles, I try to remind myself each day that I am in a better place. I have made it this far. 

I look at pictures of moments I have captured with my family. 

I smile because, as mom, I always go above and beyond to take care of them. 

Just remember. I am human, so that doesn’t make me perfect.

Regardless of financial status. Regardless of the size of our house. Regardless of any other circumstances. 

I can not allow mommy guilt to make me second guess all the love and care I put forth. 

That is what means the most. 

Sure, I miss them like crazy when they are gone. 

But, I know those smiling faces are coming back to me. So that I can go above and beyond for my family again. 

In the “write” place

I never planned for my life to go the way it has. 

In fact, I never really envisioned anything other than being happy. 

Is it careless to allow life to go as it should?

Should I have made sure that I had a clear and precise plan?

What I am sure of, is that everything has happened for a reason. Even when I have had doubts. 

With every step, each obstacle or victory or test or reward, has shaped my life the way it truly needed to go. 

I am not a religious person, but I understand why having something to believe in is so important. 

It gives you the hope to continue going when you don’t think you can. 

In my mindset, I have been through a lot. In each persons mind, their fight is unique and worse than anybody elses. 

Just remember that, and don’t try to down play their struggle. 

I believe my journey, no matter what I thought it was supposed to be, happened the way it was meant to. 

I have found that I have come almost full circle. 

I have found that “person” I was supposed to be with. 

I have learned about the importance of love and trust and family. 

I am coming back to that creative and unique chick I once was. 

All I can feel is that I feel more at home now in my skin, and I lost my way for a bit. 

I have always been driven by my desire to create, to make, to be a part of anything that pertained to art. Music, writing, drawing, painting, giving, creating….those are things that drive me and keep my heart alive. 

I always hoped that one day I would be “famous” so to speak for something that involved my talents. 

Things I had to learn, but things that I taught myself and had an abilty for. Things that made me happy to share with others. 

I have always loved to write. 

I have always loved being creative. Making floral arrangements, crocheting or coming up with my own ideas for something new and neat! 

I love photography and taking pictures of everything. Capturing moments and memories and beauty. 

I love to sing even though I am only so so. Music has always been fuel for me. 

I would love to show my girls to never give up on their dreams. 

I am almost 37 years old, and I feel like I have a whole hell of a lot to still offer.

Just want to find that thing that helps me to connect with the world. I want to make a difference! 

How do you title this? 

Much like my writing, my exercising has also been sporadic. 

But, I am having another good day today. 

I am 16 weeks today. I have about 4 more until my next ultrasound. Hopefully we find that we have a healthy baby, and perhaps know better how to address baby Meyers. 

So, today I did some working out, the best I could without being in a gym. 


I know that I have gained weight. I also know that it is all worth while, and I know how to handle it, when all is said and done. 

I have tons of before and after shots and progress pics that I can use as motivation. 

I have done this before, I know I can do it again. 

This being one of them: 


Hard work doesn’t scare me. It challenges me. It drives me. 

All in all, I am becoming anxious to have this baby in my arms. I still have so much more to go. 

Been feeling tiny movements lately. Over the next two weeks the baby apps say the baby will double in size. 

Hoping then I can share those movements with Todd. 

He is a first timer, this is all new and exciting for him. 

I have been excited every time. 

No matter what hell you go through, it is all worth it in the end. 

A supreme joy that you can not compare to anything else. 

The best thing you can do is try to enjoy the journey. 


I puked up almost every meal for weeks.

My skin has been a mess. Dry. Oily. Breaking out. 

My pants have been getting tighter. 

My hair has gotten thicker and in deperate need of an overhaul. 

My back has gotten tighter and my skin has gotten looser. 

Some nights when I try to sleep insomnia steps in, or total discomfort keeps me tossing and turning. 

I may complain, but it is all part of the beautiful disaster that pregnancy truly is.

The instant and unconditional love you have when that baby is placed before you erases all the obstacles along the way. 

Life….GFY! 

Up shitcreek without a paddle. 

Being kicked while I am down. 

I am sure there are more, but just can’t think of them. 

Here I thought 2017 would bring bigger and better things. 

Hahahahaha

Too funny! 

I have been tested for nearly two years now. 

When is it going to be too much for me to handle? When am I just going to breakdown and crumble. 

Financially I am so fucked right now that it has become comical. 

Can’t even find a part time job that is willing to allow me to remain being the attentive and caring mom that I am now. 

But then on the other hand, my anxiety prevents me from pursuing other opportunities. I even put a stop to my Jamberry business. It was going nowhere.

WTF! 

So then, I am three months pregnant at this point. This is the first pregnancy that I have felt like I am not pregnant, and how do I put this, not really excited. Like, I will totally love the baby, but all the stresses I have now are preventing me from all the joy that leads up to giving birth. 

We are so terribly unprepared. I have never been this much of a wreck in life. All this uncertainty seriously puts my anxiety into overdrive. 

Then, my brother calls me yesterday to inform me that my dad fell outside and broke his hip. 

Holy fuck! 

My dad is weak and frail as it is because he has been battling leukemia for over a dozen years. He has had two brain surgeries. If you sneeze near the man, it could put him in the hospital. His immune system is pretty much non existent.

He was taken by ambulance to the hospital and last bit of information I received was that he was going to be in the ICU due to his pre existing conditions. 

I said it before and I will say it again, I know I have fucked up in the past. But, I have been really trying to be a better person. 

I even made amends with my mom who is so hard to deal with because she has bi-polar disorder. 

What more do you want from me GOD! Please ease up some! PLEASE! 

I do not know how much more I can take. 

So, I want to end with a post I made on my facebook earlier. I hope it resonates with some people, and I hope it helps others to understand a little better. 

“My brain is such a mess today! Here is what it is like inside the mind of someone with anxiety. Mindless driving. You are paying attention but not, because your thoughts are everywhere else. Creating scenarios. Solving problems that are not even problems yet. Thinking about the what ifs. Psyching yourself out. Making excuses not to do the things you know you have to do. Promising yourself you will take care of them later or tomorrow. Gritting your teeth and not even knowing it. Avoiding contact with anyone. Wanting silence but to also not be alone. Avoiding situations that are outside your comfort zone because the outcome may not be what you are expecting and the unknown frightens you. Not being able to sit still and having to be busy at all times, but also tired and wanting to relax. Wanting to give up because you know it would be easier, but not because you know that you can’t. Struggling to hold your shit together when you just want to burst into tears……that is anxiety.”

Here I am….

First of all, before I get into my MIA status, I just want to say, everything, everything I say and write comes from my heart and soul. No lies, no fabrication. True, honest and genuine. It is the only way I know. It has acquired me enemies. It has turned people close to me away. But, it has also helped me realize the special people who belong in my life. 

They get me, at least somewhat, and they accept me. 

So, on to the next order of business….

This was my Thanksgiving. 


One test just wasn’t enough since this was unexpected. We just accepted that it wasn’t going to happen and allowed our lives to go on as normal. 

This has been the worst pregnancy in terms of sickness so far. Ultimately, my last too. Getting too old for this shit!!! Haha 

I actually feel somewhat human today, and was proud of myself for not having to throw up while attempting to brush my teeth this morning. 

Then, on top of that, we moved. Hopefully for the last time for awhile. 

We have been having a lot of financial strain due to all the kicks in the teeth we have been given. 

I try to remain positive. It is something I used to fail at miserably. But, guess what, no matter how hard our life is, overall I can’t express enough how much better I feel as a person. 

Even when the shit is thick like right now, (I have daily anxiety about how I am going to pay for my girls Christmas layaway), I know that I am shining through. 

People I don’t really even know are happy to see me. I guess I sparkle in a way I don’t fully understand, but that makes my heart happy. 

And as I was driving home from my first ultrasound and first round of bloodwork, I realized that I am stronger than I have ever been. 

Getting a divorce for me has been exhausting and devastating in some ways, but so liberating in others. 

You never really realize how stiffled you are until you have that chance to live and breathe. 

Is my life going the way I planned? Hell no! What I thought I once needed in life was so wrong for me. I am content with my decisions. 

They have made me who I am today. I once felt lost. I now feel human again. Which in turn, as much as it sucks, makes every frickin struggle and obstacle worth it. 

Why do we keep getting the shitty end of the stick? It has been over a year of crap being slung at us. Can we have a break now? Seriously, I don’t mind having to work hard, but at some point there has to be an end to this turbulent tunnel. 

So, I guess this all kinda derails my initial life overhaul. God had a different plan, and I am ok with that. 

Todd gets to have a child of his own. I get to love another tiny life unconditionally like I do my three beautiful girls. 

So, when you are standing in shit up to your eyeballs, don’t change your direction. Keep moving forward and see all the amazing things you have and get to be a part of. 

You have made it this far, nothing can stop you! 

My mom

We certainly have history. A lot of it bad. 

I have learned a lot in the past year since my divorce was finalized. 

A lot about myself, and a lot about life. 

My mom and I have a toxic relationship that erupted after I was married for a bit. 

I don’t necessarily know why I acted the way I did. 

I just know that I didn’t feel like myself in my marriage. In turn it made me act not myself. 

So, to simply explain the troubles, my mom has always been a little “off” as far back as I can really remember. As I got older it became more difficult to deal with her erractic behavior. 

My parents fought daily, and my mom seemed to become more insane. 

Truth is, she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, maybe a few years ago, but refuses to accept treatment for it. 

So, regardless, she is still extremely difficult to deal with. 

After all that I have been through, I finally realized how important family is. 


Every fricken day I am reminded. 

So, I decided to write my mom a letter. Heartfelt, apologetic, and real. 

It has been nearly a month since I sent it. 

I have received no response. 

There really isn’t much more I can do. 


I have learned a lot from my mom. All the little things she used to go out of her way and do for us, just to get some smiles, I find myself doing with my girls. 

But, I also vowed to never be the negatives I saw growing up. 

I saw her struggles and how she lived selflessly and unhappy. 

That was not going to be me. I love my dad, but my parents should have been divorced long ago. 

I refuse to live in misery and not live my life. 

I want happiness. I want peace. I want my family. 

I took a nasty road to get there, but I made it. Now, I am just trying to repair the damage I created. 

What will be, will be. I won’t hold my breath. 

The Big Purge

I have accumulated way too much crap in the past 14 years. I keep packing it up and dragging it on to the next place.

This time, I am tossing shit left and right and loving every minute of it. 

After so much of our stuff was destroyed in the garage, I decided there was so much other “garbage” we don’t need, obviously don’t want, and some things just needed to go so we can part with our past. 


I am moving on. We are moving on. We have learned a lot about ourselves and eachother and I am just exhausted with the fight. Nobody wins, like I said. 

I lived a life where I lived pretty well. I became arrogant and hateful. 

Time to simplify. I feel renewed, so it is time to start new. 

I was living a lie. I thought I knew where I belonged. I was young. I wasn’t wise enough yet. 

I have grown, I have learned, I have stumbled and I have fallen flat on my face. 

But, where I am in life right now, with myself and my life, it is where I belong. 

I have things that are a piece of me, like my yarn and coloring books. 

But, there are plenty of things that I no longer need to hold on to.

I am totally ok with that. 

I am just being me these days, and I couldn’t be happier.