In the “write” place

I never planned for my life to go the way it has. 

In fact, I never really envisioned anything other than being happy. 

Is it careless to allow life to go as it should?

Should I have made sure that I had a clear and precise plan?

What I am sure of, is that everything has happened for a reason. Even when I have had doubts. 

With every step, each obstacle or victory or test or reward, has shaped my life the way it truly needed to go. 

I am not a religious person, but I understand why having something to believe in is so important. 

It gives you the hope to continue going when you don’t think you can. 

In my mindset, I have been through a lot. In each persons mind, their fight is unique and worse than anybody elses. 

Just remember that, and don’t try to down play their struggle. 

I believe my journey, no matter what I thought it was supposed to be, happened the way it was meant to. 

I have found that I have come almost full circle. 

I have found that “person” I was supposed to be with. 

I have learned about the importance of love and trust and family. 

I am coming back to that creative and unique chick I once was. 

All I can feel is that I feel more at home now in my skin, and I lost my way for a bit. 

I have always been driven by my desire to create, to make, to be a part of anything that pertained to art. Music, writing, drawing, painting, giving, creating….those are things that drive me and keep my heart alive. 

I always hoped that one day I would be “famous” so to speak for something that involved my talents. 

Things I had to learn, but things that I taught myself and had an abilty for. Things that made me happy to share with others. 

I have always loved to write. 

I have always loved being creative. Making floral arrangements, crocheting or coming up with my own ideas for something new and neat! 

I love photography and taking pictures of everything. Capturing moments and memories and beauty. 

I love to sing even though I am only so so. Music has always been fuel for me. 

I would love to show my girls to never give up on their dreams. 

I am almost 37 years old, and I feel like I have a whole hell of a lot to still offer.

Just want to find that thing that helps me to connect with the world. I want to make a difference! 

Retail

Todd and I were talking about working the retail life. 

I have been a mere associate, and I have been more. 

I am going to speak from the level of management. It is a much more expansive picture to paint. 

So ya, we run registers. Nowadays we don’t have to worry about counting back change. More often than not, the customer is swiping or inserting a card instead. (I will not even get into my disgust for chip readers). 

But, as a retail store manager there is so much more. 

We pretty much run the entire operation of the store. 

We hire and fire. 

We order, receive and unpack. 

We train and teach our employees. 

We scold and reprimand employees when need be. 

We work up all the numbers each day and are held accountable when numbers are not correct and where they are expected. 

We manage all the transactions, cash, charges, returns. 

We order supplies to make sure we can continue to be operational each day. 

We set sales, reorganize, set up, tear down, change, decorate or promote our products on a daily basis. 

We often skip our lunch breaks because getting the new floor set done is more important. 

We have to get talked down to from higher ups that don’t want to hear any of your excuses. 

Dealing with insubordinate employees, lying, or stealing. 

I had an employee one Christmas that took a 15 min break, and came back drolling and slurring and acting crazy. He ended up shooting heroin on his little break. 

And just like the associates below us, we still have to have a smile on our faces for our customers. 

We have to help and serve them and help them with their needs, because they are the people who ultimately keep our paychecks coming. 

For a measly $400 a week, I was expected to do it all. 
I had people blame me for everything, fight and argue. I have had people who I grew to know very well that appreciated what I did. 

People trying to shoplift. Fighting on the weekends. Ignorant teenagers that were obviously not raised well. 

It was one of the most stressful jobs I have ever had. But, I had a purpose. It felt good that somebody believed in me enough to hand me keys to the store and say, here ya go, you got this. 

So, just remember that as the holidays approach. Although I am not in the business anymore, I know what it is like to get paid shit, treated like shit and yet have so much responsibility. 

Just be respectful. Be human. Be real. 

23 days

I challenged myself 23 days ago to improve my life. It was more than just getting back in shape. 

It was about me facing my problems and doing something about them. 

So far, the gym has been the last thing on my mind. 

My progress begins with facing the biggest fear I have ever had in life. 

It has been a tough transition for us all. We just need to realize that people were hurt, shit was said and we can’t hit undo. We have to be adults and just cut the shit! (Shit is my word of the day today, by the way, seems I have been using it alot!)

So there! 

See, I am a funny girl, but I could never be less than a good mother, and I would always protect my girls. I never break a promise, just ask my oldest. I have only let her down once, and that was because I ended up in the hospital with double lung pneumonia. 

So, on that note, todays triumph was a personal one, and honestly, I think we all won. 

But then, the next improvement is finding another suitable home that isn’t taking us broke. 

So, by the end of this month, we are moving yet again. Hopefully, the last stop for awhile. And again, in this situation, everybody wins! 

That is all I really have for now. One day at a time. 

But, a few last words…

Life sucks. But, don’t let the “life sucks” stuff ruin all the good stuff. Once I tackled my fears, I realized that I am happy. I am content with life in general. There will be shitstorms, some that might get you to your breaking point, but you have done so well so far. All god wants for you is to keep trying. 

Much love! 

-Melanie

Leap of faith…

I lived a time of misery. Not because life was “terrible”, but it was for me. I was living a life I didn’t belong in.

 I am sorry, but it’s true.

 I hated everyone including myself. I felt dead inside. 

So, call me crazy, label me however you wish, but I said on numerous occasions that I would not end up in a lifeless, loveless marriage like my parents did.

 I grew up in a dysfunctional home. I vowed to never put my kids through what I went through. So, I made a choice. It happened faster than I was ready for, but God must have thought I was ready. So, I took a leap of faith. 

There has been some awful times, but the good times far outweigh the bad. 

Just like after any huge event, there is a period of adjustment and transition. We all made it. We are going to make it. 

Because instead of being stubborn, we ask for help, we look for help. Sometimes the problems are bigger than you, and you just can’t do it alone. 

That is responsibility. That is being a good mom. Accepting help doesn’t make you weak, it gives you a push to continue fighting on your own. 

Dear God

Dear Lord in heaven, I am trying very hard to be the best human I can be. I am happier now in life and want to live a good honest life. I rarely ask for help, I am strong and like to handle things on my own, but, I need your help right now. We need a fresh start. I have some offered help from my dad, but it is not going to be enough to finalize it. Please, please open my eyes to the answer. Please help me figure out the way to simplify my life and live happily with my family. Thank you. 

Amen

Nobody cares….

I was thinking yesterday about all my hardships recently. How I am trying so hard not to screw up, but how some things are out of my hands. 

I wonder if people see my efforts. If they respect the fact that I hate failure, and it is obvious I am trying to do all that I can to make it right. 

Then I realized, nobody outside my circle gives a shit about me and who I am. 

I can plead my case, ask for help, let them know what I am going through and all that I want to do, and it means nothing. 

I am a nobody, and I need to accept that I am no more special than anyone else. 

I have dreams and hopes. I have desires and needs. Some people just get handed opportunity, while others struggle just to keep afloat. 

What makes that other person more acceptable or appealing? 

I am honest and true. Responsible, passionate, loving and caring. I want to be happy in life. I want to be the best mom I can be. I am creative and outgoing, enthusiastic about the things I love. I want to help people, make people smile and know that I am doing something great for somebody else. 

But, it seems with all those qualities, I just don’t belong anywhere. I don’t understand why. 

I can’t find a part time job that will honor my duties as mom when I have my girls. I live my life selflessly, and still I am not seen. 

So, I just need to accept the fact that I am a nobody. I have always seen myself do great things, be something, be successful. 

I guess I am reaching too high. 

Will I ever change who I am? Nope. 

Maybe someday someone will see my potential.