Meant to be a mom

It occurred to me just a but ago, while I was making an ass out of myself to entertain Peyton, I am meant to be a mom.

Go back about 20 years and I would tell you differently.

I was never really around kids and babies growing up. I didn’t hate them, but I also had no opinion on them.

I have never been able to pinpoint where exactly in life I belong, but I sure as hell didn’t envision myself having 4 kids, all girls.

I have had my doubts, and haven’t we all. That moment where you just don’t think you can take much more.

My journey is a little bit different than most.

I also never planned to get a divorce.

Of all the obstacles I have faced in life, getting a divorce has been the most difficult.

The challenges continue.

You resolve one issue and have another one. Or there are things that remain hurdles and you just have to realize that it comes with the territory.

Like they say, “there are no winners in war”, and divorce is just that. No matter how ugly or amicable they are.

There are still casualties.

Through it all, I have primarily remained unchanged when it comes to how I am as a mom.

I have changed. I have grown. Life has changed. It is all just part of the aftermath.

I realized, that even though I didn’t see my life going in this direction, I had no planned direction to begin with.

I am literally writing my book of life as I go along. The following pages are blank, and I can write them as I wish.

Even though I didn’t go to college, get a degree, buy a big house, travel and whatever else goes along in the package of a “successful” person, I am successful.

I am good at being a mom. I am meant to be in this position.

If I were to sit down and list all the tasks and duties I perform just to keep them alive and well, the list would have no end.

Add in all the extras and well if it were a job, I would be getting totally screwed on pay and benefits.

But, I don’t bitch. Even though I struggle every day with the complexity of life in general.

I sometimes get tired. I get angry and sick just like everybody else. I am not perfect.

When I truly look at where I am, I am doing something I love. I am caring and nurturing and loving and it comes naturally.

I have improved my motherly abilities and damn it, I am proud.

4 little lives depend on me and I go above and beyond for them.

I am truly meant to be a mom.

If someone would have told me 20 years ago that I would have 4 beautiful lives to love and to hold and to help them to grow, I would have just laughed.

I have been through so much in recent years. I have quit and given up on things. But, my love and desire to be a mom is still as strong as ever.

I have succeeded at something.

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Self Conscious

My skin has always been an issue.

I always wished I were one of those girls walking around with flawless skin.

Adult acne, due to hormones, was always a problem, up until now.

Us moms, our bodies go through so much shit as we age and go through pregnancies and beyond.

I am not at the beyond yet, but I know it’s around the bend as I approach 40.

This last pregnancy left me with a new skin problem that has really trampled my self esteem.

Mask of pregnancy or Malasma.

It it characterized by brown or dark patches of skin, mainly on the face.

Finally, my skin is pretty clear of acne, but now I have brown spots.

I guess I just can’t win.

So, today I finally got a haircut after many months.

And, I am sharing my face. Make up helps. But, it still looks like I have a 5 o’clock shadow above my lip and my forehead is affected too.

But, I have this gorgeous little girl now.

I have a 5 year old who also has marks on her face. She was born with a port wine stain on the side of her face and up around a part of her eye.

She rocks it! She is so beautiful. She is fully aware of them and just says that the birthmark just makes her her.

So, even though my spots aren’t as dramatic as my daughters, they are there. I am sure my anxiety fuels me feeling bad about them too.

Feeling good today with my haircut and not caring what anybody thinks.

I did it

I challenged myself to at least one thing.

It wasn’t big. But, it counts.

I have been wanting so badly to make my Jamberry business work.

One day I will get all pumped and want to really start putting some serious effort into success.

Then the following day a kid gets sick, then I get sick. Bills aren’t going to get paid and the stress just has your brain going through all possible outcomes. Or an old dog has become increasingly tough to handle.

There is always some obstacle that pops up to knock any positivity out of me.

And that there my friends is an excuse. In which I used to boast about making no excuses and going after what I wanted.

I lost that spark. I lost that fire.

I can not believe the path of destruction my divorce left.

But, Today, Today I did one thing different.

I exposed myself a little.

I made little packages, only 5 and left them in the mailroom. A flyer, business card, some samples and application instructions. Just as a test run.

A few hours later, I went to get the mail and they were all gone.

I have a feeling they did not disappear the way that I intended.

But, I did it. I did something I have been making excuses not to do.

I need to make more and I need to take them with me whenever I go.

And tomorrow, something else.

I hate Wednesdays

Every week, Wednesday is a crappy day.

I call it transition day.

That is the day I say my super “goodbyes” and “I love you’s” before they get on the bus.

That is the day I have to ride my preschooler to school and not come back for her.

Oh how my heart aches.

I know it is only a few days. I know it gives me more of a chance to relax and breathe. As much as I can with a three month old in the house.

But, I hate them.

Every Wednesday I think about my girls almost non stop. Hope they are having a good day. Which I basically do every day, but Wednesday I know I won’t get to see their smiling faces as they get off the bus. I won’t get the chance to ask them “how was school?”.

I don’t get to pick my 4 year old up from school and spend the next few hours with her without her older sisters.

Not to mention, Wednesdays seem to be particularly rough for her. Sometimes having break downs in school.

Wednesdays may be hump day for those who work. Yes, it’s the middle of the week and getting closer to the break the weekend offers.

For me, it’s the beginning of the count down until I see my girls faces again. One of the worst things about divorce.

So this morning, as I drove my one princess to school, we laughed and we talked and her happiness made me smile.

That song “Feel it still” was on the radio. (The only thing I can think of when I hear it, is that dude on the treadmill). I don’t normally listen to the radio because it is not my genre of music, but she was grinning and grooving. Like any mom would, I joined in.

I captured that moment at a red light.

And it has had me smiling ever since.

So, I am going to try to make the best of the time they are away. Because, in a few days, I have the opportunity to make more memories with them. That is something to look forward to.

Fearless

I love to write.

I don’t really know why I don’t come here more often.

Wait a minute, it’s that little bitch called anxiety.

The why’s with no answer.

It occurred to me just a bit ago, that on most nights, we’ll say around 8:30 or so. I have kids. Bedtime never happens quickly or smoothly for that matter. But, around that time I get to shift down a gear.

And most nights when this happens, I find myself being able to hear my thoughts once again.

These thoughts of all the things I can and should do.

The empowering thoughts of lighting a fire under myself and start tackling life again.

Quit smoking. Get back in shape. Be more me with less fear.

I used to be fearless. Except for spiders, that fear has and will always exist. I used to be independent, bold and strong.

I lost it.

So, every night I get a chance to revisit these thoughts, I always devise a plan. I tell myself tomorrow is a new day. I can make changes. I have the control. Instead of sitting idle as my anxiety takes the wheel, I am going to quit fearing the maybes and the no’s. I am not going to continue to coast on by each day and just hope a giant wave doesn’t come crashing down.

I am going to do at least one thing that makes me uncomfortable. That puts me in a vulnerable position that I’ll do anything in my power to avoid.

My life has been nothing short of chaos since my divorce. I am tired and battered and bruised.

But, only I can make the changes, improve and grow.

So, tomorrow. No matter what it may be. I am going to do something. I am not going to let that little voice that talks me out of everything to have total control.

I am going to surprise that bitch anxiety.

And hopefully I can build on that.

I have been drifting for far too long. If I truly love my family and want what is best for them, then I should be able to muster up enough strength to fight back.

I want better.

Disgusting human being

It has been almost two years since my separation and soon after divorce. 

Today actually marks the day I made the biggest mistake of my life. 

I don’t regret getting married. I have three beautiful girls and I have learned a lot about myself and life. 

But, it was a mistake. 

A mistake I was able to correct. 

So, here I am nearing 40 years old and 27 weeks pregnant. I am already considered a high risk pregnancy due to my age. 


Past pregnancies have not been easy, and the same goes with this one.

Never once did I use my health to not be mom to the children I already had. I pushed myself to the last day. 

Some people can easily judge me based on my current situation. Life may be tough, but just because I didn’t plan for this doesn’t make me a bad mom. I could never live with myself knowing I terminated a life. 

There were only two people involved. We are working very hard, as always to be the best we can be. 

Unfortunately, I have an evil force in my life. A virus if you will. 

I almost feel ashamed to be pregnant because of their words. The stress from the harassment. The fear that it will never end. 

I made a decision last Saturday, the day before Easter, not to take my 5 year old to softball practice. We had plans to dye eggs. It was the day before a holiday. 

The following is an excerpt of the email I received regarding that decision. 


Disgusting human being. 

I was crying to my doctor this morning because she offered to set me up with physical therapy to help me deal with my hip and thigh pains and I told her I couldn’t. 

Why? Because I am so afraid that it will add too much to my already busy schedule and if I miss a softball game, it will be held against me. 

I am afraid that if I have too many strikes against me that he will take me to court to try again for full custody, his defense that I am unfit because I can’t keep up with the kids schedules. 

If I am having a bad day with my pregnancy, I am afraid to stop and care for myself a little cause he will use it against me. 

Disgusting human being. 

I feel bullied and harassed. 

Constantly being scrutinized and judged. 

I don’t deserve to live this way, to be treated this way. 

Am I wrong? 

Mom guilt

I often struggle with the back and forth of whether or not I fucked up. 

Not because I am unhappy. Not because I miss what I had. But, because I disrupted three small lives. 

Every single Wednesday when I drop my two youngest girls off at preschool, I walk back to my car thinking about how I won’t get to see them later. 

My youngest is almost 4, but she often has breakdowns. Sometimes before we even make it to the drop off line at school. 

She doesn’t want to go to daddy’s. Of course I know it can’t be bad there. 

She is just becoming more aware of things and doesn’t like the back and forth. 

She literally zipped up her coat after I tried to take it off in protest. 

There goes the mommy guilt. 

That certainly makes Wednesdays more difficult. 

We have good Wednesdays with no fight. 

But, I still walk solemnly back to my car, missing them already. 

That and the requirement to stay afloat in life now, now that it has been completely turned upside down, are probably the two toughest things about divorce. 

But, no matter the obstacles, I try to remind myself each day that I am in a better place. I have made it this far. 

I look at pictures of moments I have captured with my family. 

I smile because, as mom, I always go above and beyond to take care of them. 

Just remember. I am human, so that doesn’t make me perfect.

Regardless of financial status. Regardless of the size of our house. Regardless of any other circumstances. 

I can not allow mommy guilt to make me second guess all the love and care I put forth. 

That is what means the most. 

Sure, I miss them like crazy when they are gone. 

But, I know those smiling faces are coming back to me. So that I can go above and beyond for my family again.