In the “write” place

I never planned for my life to go the way it has. 

In fact, I never really envisioned anything other than being happy. 

Is it careless to allow life to go as it should?

Should I have made sure that I had a clear and precise plan?

What I am sure of, is that everything has happened for a reason. Even when I have had doubts. 

With every step, each obstacle or victory or test or reward, has shaped my life the way it truly needed to go. 

I am not a religious person, but I understand why having something to believe in is so important. 

It gives you the hope to continue going when you don’t think you can. 

In my mindset, I have been through a lot. In each persons mind, their fight is unique and worse than anybody elses. 

Just remember that, and don’t try to down play their struggle. 

I believe my journey, no matter what I thought it was supposed to be, happened the way it was meant to. 

I have found that I have come almost full circle. 

I have found that “person” I was supposed to be with. 

I have learned about the importance of love and trust and family. 

I am coming back to that creative and unique chick I once was. 

All I can feel is that I feel more at home now in my skin, and I lost my way for a bit. 

I have always been driven by my desire to create, to make, to be a part of anything that pertained to art. Music, writing, drawing, painting, giving, creating….those are things that drive me and keep my heart alive. 

I always hoped that one day I would be “famous” so to speak for something that involved my talents. 

Things I had to learn, but things that I taught myself and had an abilty for. Things that made me happy to share with others. 

I have always loved to write. 

I have always loved being creative. Making floral arrangements, crocheting or coming up with my own ideas for something new and neat! 

I love photography and taking pictures of everything. Capturing moments and memories and beauty. 

I love to sing even though I am only so so. Music has always been fuel for me. 

I would love to show my girls to never give up on their dreams. 

I am almost 37 years old, and I feel like I have a whole hell of a lot to still offer.

Just want to find that thing that helps me to connect with the world. I want to make a difference! 

How do you title this? 

Much like my writing, my exercising has also been sporadic. 

But, I am having another good day today. 

I am 16 weeks today. I have about 4 more until my next ultrasound. Hopefully we find that we have a healthy baby, and perhaps know better how to address baby Meyers. 

So, today I did some working out, the best I could without being in a gym. 


I know that I have gained weight. I also know that it is all worth while, and I know how to handle it, when all is said and done. 

I have tons of before and after shots and progress pics that I can use as motivation. 

I have done this before, I know I can do it again. 

This being one of them: 


Hard work doesn’t scare me. It challenges me. It drives me. 

All in all, I am becoming anxious to have this baby in my arms. I still have so much more to go. 

Been feeling tiny movements lately. Over the next two weeks the baby apps say the baby will double in size. 

Hoping then I can share those movements with Todd. 

He is a first timer, this is all new and exciting for him. 

I have been excited every time. 

No matter what hell you go through, it is all worth it in the end. 

A supreme joy that you can not compare to anything else. 

The best thing you can do is try to enjoy the journey. 


I puked up almost every meal for weeks.

My skin has been a mess. Dry. Oily. Breaking out. 

My pants have been getting tighter. 

My hair has gotten thicker and in deperate need of an overhaul. 

My back has gotten tighter and my skin has gotten looser. 

Some nights when I try to sleep insomnia steps in, or total discomfort keeps me tossing and turning. 

I may complain, but it is all part of the beautiful disaster that pregnancy truly is.

The instant and unconditional love you have when that baby is placed before you erases all the obstacles along the way. 

The Big Purge

I have accumulated way too much crap in the past 14 years. I keep packing it up and dragging it on to the next place.

This time, I am tossing shit left and right and loving every minute of it. 

After so much of our stuff was destroyed in the garage, I decided there was so much other “garbage” we don’t need, obviously don’t want, and some things just needed to go so we can part with our past. 


I am moving on. We are moving on. We have learned a lot about ourselves and eachother and I am just exhausted with the fight. Nobody wins, like I said. 

I lived a life where I lived pretty well. I became arrogant and hateful. 

Time to simplify. I feel renewed, so it is time to start new. 

I was living a lie. I thought I knew where I belonged. I was young. I wasn’t wise enough yet. 

I have grown, I have learned, I have stumbled and I have fallen flat on my face. 

But, where I am in life right now, with myself and my life, it is where I belong. 

I have things that are a piece of me, like my yarn and coloring books. 

But, there are plenty of things that I no longer need to hold on to.

I am totally ok with that. 

I am just being me these days, and I couldn’t be happier. 

What’s in a name? 

I have been purging like crazy around the house. Gotta tell you, it is liberating. 

It is almost like a light suddenly went off in my head and I was free. 

Like I have said before, divorce is not easy. Regardless if you started it. Regardless if you are happy now.

So much comes with it. Even though I can look back and evaluate some of the events and feelings I had, and know that everything happens for a reason, the transition from what you know to the unknown is scary, stressful and new. 

There are times of adjustment. It has been nearly a year since the divorce was finalized. I feel so eager to move on. 

Bags of clothes, not worn in years. Why was I keeping them? I bought them because I thought they were cute, but not for me. I was trying to live somebody elses life. 

Seriously, this is how I felt when putting on dresses or pant suits…


But, I came across my wedding outfit. You see I ran off to Hawaii when I was 23 years old and married a Marine I met on online that I barely knew. 

I have always been bold. But, I think I took this journey because it was to teach me a lesson about life, family and love. 

So, after 13 years, I put that outfit on, was curious to see how it fit. The waist was a little loose. 


But, more importantly, that musty and dingy white outfit went into the trash pile. And it felt great. 

All over the house I was purging, ran out of garbage bags, boxes and energy, but I wanted to keep going. 

I found some things I no longer wanted or needed. I found some things I had forgotten about. 

I found a box of rubber stampers that I completely forgot existed. 

In the box of stampers was a bunch of dried out stamp pads and one stamper of my first name. 


I remember growing up, hating my name. Mellow yellow, mellon ball, smelly melly. 

I hated it. I wanted to change it, and to me the most logical name was “Jeremy”, because that was the popular song by Pearl Jam at the time. 

I was always so pissed that my name was never common enough to be on key rings, pencils and plastic cups. But, my mom found me this stamper. 

I didn’t change my name. The thought fleeted me after awhile I guess. I grew to understand my name better. Those who called me Mel, were close friends. Melanie was the formal name, and if you chose to call me Mel and I didn’t think we were close enough, I was usually offended. 

My name is mine. It fits me, and I no longer cringe when I hear it. 

Letting go of parts of my past one day at a time. I am completely ready for this new journey now. 

Nobody cares….

I was thinking yesterday about all my hardships recently. How I am trying so hard not to screw up, but how some things are out of my hands. 

I wonder if people see my efforts. If they respect the fact that I hate failure, and it is obvious I am trying to do all that I can to make it right. 

Then I realized, nobody outside my circle gives a shit about me and who I am. 

I can plead my case, ask for help, let them know what I am going through and all that I want to do, and it means nothing. 

I am a nobody, and I need to accept that I am no more special than anyone else. 

I have dreams and hopes. I have desires and needs. Some people just get handed opportunity, while others struggle just to keep afloat. 

What makes that other person more acceptable or appealing? 

I am honest and true. Responsible, passionate, loving and caring. I want to be happy in life. I want to be the best mom I can be. I am creative and outgoing, enthusiastic about the things I love. I want to help people, make people smile and know that I am doing something great for somebody else. 

But, it seems with all those qualities, I just don’t belong anywhere. I don’t understand why. 

I can’t find a part time job that will honor my duties as mom when I have my girls. I live my life selflessly, and still I am not seen. 

So, I just need to accept the fact that I am a nobody. I have always seen myself do great things, be something, be successful. 

I guess I am reaching too high. 

Will I ever change who I am? Nope. 

Maybe someday someone will see my potential. 

Best Jamicure Ever! 

I love them so much I just had to share! 😍 (Chalkboard Hearts and Gray and Silver Stripe)

That is why I love Jamberry so much. I can do and create whatever my “heart” desires. It is so much fun, creative and your options are endless. It doesn’t cost as much as going to a salon and you can change them whenever you wish, at home. 

I have dreams…

I have dreams in life. Just like everybody else. 

I have things I want to accomplish. 

I have dreams of one day owning my own home. Being able to call it mine, ours. Not having to move again. Be able to do what I wish with the house. Settle and live. 

I have dreams of getting rid of my debt and not having anxiety about how I am going to pay all the bills. 

I have dreams of being successful and happy with what I do. I have always wanted to work in a flower shop and be creative. I love being creative in general and wish I could use those talents to support my family.


I wouldn’t even mind being a receptionist or secretary or whatever they call them these days. The organizing and keeping track of things makes me happy. 

I have dreams about getting some sort of college degree, just to know I did it. 

I love to write. I always wanted to be a newpaper columnist or write for a magazine. 

I love taking pictures! 


I’d like to skydive one day, see a real tornado, swim with dolphins, and get back to Jamaica. 

I feel like a failure most days. I know, I know, I take care of my girls and that is not failing. 

I need more. I need a bigger purpose, I have so much to share and offer. 

As much as I see myself as unique, I don’t stand out at all. 

I often wonder if the days are going to continue to go by and I continue to accept that my dreams and wants and desires are never going to come to fruitition. 

I need something big. I need something great to save me. Give me hope. Give me reason to believe that when the time is right, some of my dreams will come true.