Disgusting human being

It has been almost two years since my separation and soon after divorce. 

Today actually marks the day I made the biggest mistake of my life. 

I don’t regret getting married. I have three beautiful girls and I have learned a lot about myself and life. 

But, it was a mistake. 

A mistake I was able to correct. 

So, here I am nearing 40 years old and 27 weeks pregnant. I am already considered a high risk pregnancy due to my age. 


Past pregnancies have not been easy, and the same goes with this one.

Never once did I use my health to not be mom to the children I already had. I pushed myself to the last day. 

Some people can easily judge me based on my current situation. Life may be tough, but just because I didn’t plan for this doesn’t make me a bad mom. I could never live with myself knowing I terminated a life. 

There were only two people involved. We are working very hard, as always to be the best we can be. 

Unfortunately, I have an evil force in my life. A virus if you will. 

I almost feel ashamed to be pregnant because of their words. The stress from the harassment. The fear that it will never end. 

I made a decision last Saturday, the day before Easter, not to take my 5 year old to softball practice. We had plans to dye eggs. It was the day before a holiday. 

The following is an excerpt of the email I received regarding that decision. 


Disgusting human being. 

I was crying to my doctor this morning because she offered to set me up with physical therapy to help me deal with my hip and thigh pains and I told her I couldn’t. 

Why? Because I am so afraid that it will add too much to my already busy schedule and if I miss a softball game, it will be held against me. 

I am afraid that if I have too many strikes against me that he will take me to court to try again for full custody, his defense that I am unfit because I can’t keep up with the kids schedules. 

If I am having a bad day with my pregnancy, I am afraid to stop and care for myself a little cause he will use it against me. 

Disgusting human being. 

I feel bullied and harassed. 

Constantly being scrutinized and judged. 

I don’t deserve to live this way, to be treated this way. 

Am I wrong? 

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When adults can’t seem to “grow up”…

In the beginning, emotions are raging. Life exploded, but yet came to a standstill all at the same time. 

That sensory overload is extremely disruptive, and there are a lot of pieces to pick up. A lot of questions. A lot of confusion. A lot of everything. 

People make mistakes. People sometimes do stupid things. 

The problem is when people can not move past the disruptive phase. 

I am definitely in a new phase of life. 

One that I belong in.

Life has changed so much over the past almost 2 years. Not just for me, but for everyone. 

I have been through so much chaos along the way. But, no matter how down I get about things, somehow I keep moving forward. Proving to myself that even though I aspire for more, I am worthwhile, and successful in my own way. 

I no longer have time for regret, or to hold grudges or retaliation. 

I am almost 37 years old. I have a baby on the way. I have an ailing father in the hospital. I have three small beings that depend on me. I have way too much going on to hold on to the past.

Some people can’t seem to do this. 

Why? I wish I knew. I wish it would stop. 

I live an honest life. I have nothing to hide. I do the best I can and more almost every day. I try to be selfless and giving where I can. 

Why do I need to keep defending my honor when I know it is true and real? 

Nobody is perfect. You are not better or worse than me. We are equal, but we are different. 

That is all. 

You are not destroying my life or knocking me down. Your childish attacks are only giving me more courage and fight. 

More knowledge, more power. 

So, to you…you do whatever you think you need to do to feel better about yourself. 

I know who I am. 

It’s been 10 days…

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. 

Every time I feel like I am on a good path, something new gets tossed in the mix. 

I have made progress in small ways. 

Maybe I need to really stabilize everything before I take on the giant things.

I am keeping track of my successes and my failures. 

Not giving up. Not now. When something doesn’t go right, I am thinking up new and better ways. 

I think that means more than anything. Trying to remain positive, keeping a smile on my face, not being bullied and moving forward with my head held high, is a fabulous start. 

I can say a lot of bad things about my childhood and growing up, but what it helped me to learn is that my strength to endure is based on the effort I put forth. 

Maybe everything is just a test. I haven’t failed. I have no reason to feel like a loser. I have gained so much from all my experiences. I have learned a lot about myself. 

So, I am not on point with my challenge. I got knocked down hard. Recovery is key. I am working on that. 

One day at a time! 

Epiphany

No, God didn’t come to me. 

But, I came to the realization about something.

As I sat here the other morning, fighting off the worst migraine I have ever had, I realized how stupid I was.

I let him win. My ex doesn’t want me and Todd together. He wants to punish me and bring me down any way he can. 

Because I was so worried about losing the girls, I let that a-hole manipulate me and bully me into making a decision I didn’t want to make. 

No more! I am an adult and no longer married to him. He has no right now or ever to dictate to me how I live my life. 

The control ends here. I am not throwing away my soulmate because he has unresolved issues. 

I was seriously in a state of depression thinking about the hasty decision I made. All because he feels the girls are not safe in my care. 

Shit happens and people make mistakes, but I can tell you that I am a damn good mom, and my girls are well taken care of. 

So, fuck you sir! I am not under your laws and rules anymore. I have a mind of my own, and all your petty garbage, calling child protective services on me and trying to get a pfa are futile. 

Telling me I need psychiatric evaluations. No! He does. 

I am so awesome now! I almost made the worst decision of my life. I am glad I was able to see the light. 

I will always fight for my girls and what is worth it. My life is mine and it is time for him to grow up and leave us alone. 

Bullying

My oldest daughter, Allura, who is 8, came to me last night to tell me she was being made fun of. It is really nothing big, but to her, it is bothersome. She began to cry. I talked to her for quite awhile. She will be fine, because her mommy has been through it all. 

I have always been different, in some ways not by choice and other ways, it was my choice. Regardless, I have never changed to fit in.

Grade school was the worst. There was an older girl that would pick on me. Follow me home from school. She called me names, spit on me and threw rocks at me. Of course there were the kids in my class who obviously felt in-superior and had to pick on the quiet kids, or the kids that didn’t fit in, like me. 

It was hurtful. It was especially damaging as I got older. I was trying to find myself, and the weak people fed off of trying to bring the strong and unique down. 

I had many dark times in my life. Moments that I am not proud of. I was a cutter as a young teen. I was out of control as an older teen. I was myself, but still seeking to find approval from someone. 

It is when someone finally wins and knocks you down, that you realize that you are worth more than that. 

I am strong willed, unique, independent, outgoing, bold and a leader. 

These very things I will teach my girls. 

Allura will find sooner than her sisters how cruel people can be. It is my job to prepare her for life and what is to come. 

It is my job to build her up, guide her and be a person who understands and whom she can go to any time she needs help. 

It is my job to let her know, that even though there are mean people in this world, that she needs to focus on the good and not let the bad bring her down. 

I will not contact the school, even though they have a no tolerance policy. I will not contact the parents. 

In life we can not run and report everything we deem hurtful or unjust. We have to learn and adapt. Telling someone that so in so has been bothering them will not change who that person is, or how they are being brought up. Learning to be strong and not allowing them to manipulate us, is what will keep us moving forward. 

Of course it hurts me that she is hurting. I have been through it all. But, she has a great teacher that loves her. I will do my very best to keep her on track, to help her see how special she is, even when someone wants to break her down. 

That is life. I will fight for her when necessary. I will comfort her when needed. But, I can not fix life. I can only teach and prepare her to be herself which is by far the greatest triumph she will have.