Don’t you dare judge me

Never in my life did I expect to be where I am now.

Everything I imagined my life to be has turned out differently.

I grew up thinking that when I had children, I would have a boy and a girl, like my parents did.

I have 4 girls.

I imagined being married living a middle of the road kind of life, like my parents did.

I imagined myself in a different life.

That is not where I am now.

Life is a sequence of cause and effect.

Every choice, every mistake, paves the road you must travel on.

Do you think I love the daily struggle to keep myself and my family afloat?

I have dealt with a massive number of downslopes over the past few years.

I was cocky after I filed for divorce and that was a huge mistake.

I didn’t realize how complicated things could get until one obstacle after another was thrown in my path.

After I lost the house I was 2 weeks away from buying, life took a turn for the worst.

Things have been mostly tragic since.

You think I like living that way?

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish things could be different.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t put my best into making everything go as smoothly as possible.

There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t work towards change.

Do you think I like living this way?

The circumstances of my life, messy and unpredictable, but never a reason to be any less of a good person or mother.

Always looking for a way to improve.

Even if it is a small change.

I have had to ask for help. I have swallowed my pride and accepted help I did not want to believe I needed.

Do you really think I like living this way?

I am certainly not the person I used to be.

I am a better person.

Don’t you dare judge me.

I have cried wondering how I was gonna pay the bills.

I have spent many sleepless nights wondering about the days to come and what new issue will arise.

I have persevered through many anxiety ridden days hoping that my family is happy enough.

I have sacrificed my needs to make sure my family has what they need.

I always try to display my best self, but some days my best isn’t always up to your standards.

But, don’t you dare judge me.

Life is perfectly imperfect and no matter what happens, I never give up.

I have conquered way too much to be judged by the likes of you.

You don’t control me.

You have no right to judge me.

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Some days…

Some days I feel like a super hero.

I know I am a good mom and a good person.

Perfect I am not.

And I hate that word.

PERFECT

Nothing is perfect.

Life is messy. Life is trial and error.

Life can be calm. Hectic.

Every day I grow and learn.

But, some days I am completely on point.

I feel like nothing can stop me.

I feel empowered and strong.

I feel pretty and my self esteem seems settled at an acceptable point.

Then you have days when the whole world comes crashing down.

The evil that lurks in the shadows lashes out.

Looking for control, looking to strike you down.

Everything suffers.

You suffer. You can’t breathe. You struggle to get ahold.

Slipping and losing grip at the mercy of your destroyer.

I will not allow the forces to win.

I will battle for what is right no matter the consequences.

The consequences of watching myself temporarily weakened, broken down and feeling defeated.

But, I will still not let them win.

The things that keep me fighting are always in my heart and mind.

They are the images that let me know that it is okay not to be perfect, but to always be the best I can be.

At every moment, even when I feel like I am failing.

I am my best for them, even when I believe I am not enough.

Life sentence

I am doing a life sentence. No, I didn’t murder anyone, I merely got a divorce.

November 13, 2015 is when it was official, but somehow I am still dealing with the mental and verbal abuse.

He doesn’t specifically call me names, not to my face anyways. He saves that for telling the kids so when they get back home with me, I can hear all about what daddy said or what there soon to be wicked step mother has said about me.

And I don’t mean to retaliate, but I am almost 40 years old. Getting really tired of having to hear highschool drama. I bite my tongue most of the time. I know, just say nothing. But, it’s hard not to when it is so hurtful.

But, the never ending abuse is that no matter what I do or say, it is never the right thing, by his standards anyways.

I am not him, and I will make certain never to be. I don’t parent like he does, but that doesn’t make me a bad parent.

Their clothes aren’t new enough, or don’t meet his approval.

A long sleeved white t-shirt and pink sweatpants does not make a kid a hobo. As he called her that right to her face.

Loud flowery pants are not ridiculous if the kid likes to wear them. Kindergarten is not a fashion show and why can’t she within reason make some of her own decisions. It’s called having a mind of her own.

They obviously frown upon that considering they are all treated like little soldiers.

And it all comes back to me. I am a bad parent for allowing my kids to make small choices in their lives. Why does it matter what design was on her pants. She didn’t look “ridiculous”, she was happy with them and you made her feel bad.

They have clothes on their backs. Yes, the majority are hand me downs, because I just can’t afford to hit the malls and buy them the latest and greatest.

They have plenty of food to eat. They have a roof over their heads, running water and electricity. They have heat. They do homework and go to school each day. I buy them new shoes one at a time as I can afford it. They have backpacks and lunch bags to carry their stuff in. They have beds to sleep in. We do stuff as a family. I make homemade meals most nights.

I punish them when need be and revoke privileges when necessary. I take care of them when they are sick and I urge them to talk when I know something is wrong.

We play, we laugh and we love.

I don’t do things his way, but that doesn’t make me a bad parent.

I shouldn’t have to always defend myself. I shouldn’t have to always feel judged and scrutinized. I shouldn’t have to look over my shoulder constantly worrying that if I don’t do something to his standards that he will threaten to seek full custody or call children’s services on me.

I shouldn’t have to live with constant anxiety.

And yet I take the abuse. Being talked down to like I am a child. Berating me and my decisions.

It is a life sentence of constantly having to hear about how bad of a mom I am because I don’t force my kids to clean baseboards as a punishment.

Because a coat is old and worn and needs replaced, but I just don’t have the money for it right now. I don’t even have a coat.

Or hear about how my one daughters hair was a mess because she didn’t want it pulled up and quite frankly doesn’t give two shits about being perfect all the damn time.

I have to hear about how he gave me everything in the divorce and how he still needs to pay for two households.

I am tired of being beaten down and harassed about everything he doesn’t agree with.

It is abuse.

When my kids are skipping school, not doing homework, running the streets with no clothes, malnourished, doing drugs, stealing, living with no heat or electricity, unclean and unhappy, then he has every right to attack me.

But, that is not the case.

Every day of my life revolves around the lives that I carried in my womb for 9 months. Every sacrifice I make is for them so that I can give them the best that I can give them. I give them my best, always. Doesn’t that count for something?

It doesn’t make me a bad mum.

And yet I am bullied and broken down and because of him, I feel like I am.

I have no leverage to make it stop. He won’t stop and I don’t know what to do. There are no laws or rules that can make it stop.

I just want to live in peace. It has been nearly three years since the separation and I am still being punished. I am still being treated like I am garbage. I am still being made to feel inadequate. I am still being bullied and talked down to.

It makes me sad, it makes me want to cry at times. It makes me angry. It makes my anxiety shoot through the roof. It makes me second guess myself and feel like I am not good enough.

I received a life sentence of being treated like shit from a narcissist. An angry bully who feels superior.

All because I wanted a divorce.

Disgusting human being

It has been almost two years since my separation and soon after divorce. 

Today actually marks the day I made the biggest mistake of my life. 

I don’t regret getting married. I have three beautiful girls and I have learned a lot about myself and life. 

But, it was a mistake. 

A mistake I was able to correct. 

So, here I am nearing 40 years old and 27 weeks pregnant. I am already considered a high risk pregnancy due to my age. 


Past pregnancies have not been easy, and the same goes with this one.

Never once did I use my health to not be mom to the children I already had. I pushed myself to the last day. 

Some people can easily judge me based on my current situation. Life may be tough, but just because I didn’t plan for this doesn’t make me a bad mom. I could never live with myself knowing I terminated a life. 

There were only two people involved. We are working very hard, as always to be the best we can be. 

Unfortunately, I have an evil force in my life. A virus if you will. 

I almost feel ashamed to be pregnant because of their words. The stress from the harassment. The fear that it will never end. 

I made a decision last Saturday, the day before Easter, not to take my 5 year old to softball practice. We had plans to dye eggs. It was the day before a holiday. 

The following is an excerpt of the email I received regarding that decision. 


Disgusting human being. 

I was crying to my doctor this morning because she offered to set me up with physical therapy to help me deal with my hip and thigh pains and I told her I couldn’t. 

Why? Because I am so afraid that it will add too much to my already busy schedule and if I miss a softball game, it will be held against me. 

I am afraid that if I have too many strikes against me that he will take me to court to try again for full custody, his defense that I am unfit because I can’t keep up with the kids schedules. 

If I am having a bad day with my pregnancy, I am afraid to stop and care for myself a little cause he will use it against me. 

Disgusting human being. 

I feel bullied and harassed. 

Constantly being scrutinized and judged. 

I don’t deserve to live this way, to be treated this way. 

Am I wrong? 

When adults can’t seem to “grow up”…

In the beginning, emotions are raging. Life exploded, but yet came to a standstill all at the same time. 

That sensory overload is extremely disruptive, and there are a lot of pieces to pick up. A lot of questions. A lot of confusion. A lot of everything. 

People make mistakes. People sometimes do stupid things. 

The problem is when people can not move past the disruptive phase. 

I am definitely in a new phase of life. 

One that I belong in.

Life has changed so much over the past almost 2 years. Not just for me, but for everyone. 

I have been through so much chaos along the way. But, no matter how down I get about things, somehow I keep moving forward. Proving to myself that even though I aspire for more, I am worthwhile, and successful in my own way. 

I no longer have time for regret, or to hold grudges or retaliation. 

I am almost 37 years old. I have a baby on the way. I have an ailing father in the hospital. I have three small beings that depend on me. I have way too much going on to hold on to the past.

Some people can’t seem to do this. 

Why? I wish I knew. I wish it would stop. 

I live an honest life. I have nothing to hide. I do the best I can and more almost every day. I try to be selfless and giving where I can. 

Why do I need to keep defending my honor when I know it is true and real? 

Nobody is perfect. You are not better or worse than me. We are equal, but we are different. 

That is all. 

You are not destroying my life or knocking me down. Your childish attacks are only giving me more courage and fight. 

More knowledge, more power. 

So, to you…you do whatever you think you need to do to feel better about yourself. 

I know who I am. 

It’s been 10 days…

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. 

Every time I feel like I am on a good path, something new gets tossed in the mix. 

I have made progress in small ways. 

Maybe I need to really stabilize everything before I take on the giant things.

I am keeping track of my successes and my failures. 

Not giving up. Not now. When something doesn’t go right, I am thinking up new and better ways. 

I think that means more than anything. Trying to remain positive, keeping a smile on my face, not being bullied and moving forward with my head held high, is a fabulous start. 

I can say a lot of bad things about my childhood and growing up, but what it helped me to learn is that my strength to endure is based on the effort I put forth. 

Maybe everything is just a test. I haven’t failed. I have no reason to feel like a loser. I have gained so much from all my experiences. I have learned a lot about myself. 

So, I am not on point with my challenge. I got knocked down hard. Recovery is key. I am working on that. 

One day at a time! 

Epiphany

No, God didn’t come to me. 

But, I came to the realization about something.

As I sat here the other morning, fighting off the worst migraine I have ever had, I realized how stupid I was.

I let him win. My ex doesn’t want me and Todd together. He wants to punish me and bring me down any way he can. 

Because I was so worried about losing the girls, I let that a-hole manipulate me and bully me into making a decision I didn’t want to make. 

No more! I am an adult and no longer married to him. He has no right now or ever to dictate to me how I live my life. 

The control ends here. I am not throwing away my soulmate because he has unresolved issues. 

I was seriously in a state of depression thinking about the hasty decision I made. All because he feels the girls are not safe in my care. 

Shit happens and people make mistakes, but I can tell you that I am a damn good mom, and my girls are well taken care of. 

So, fuck you sir! I am not under your laws and rules anymore. I have a mind of my own, and all your petty garbage, calling child protective services on me and trying to get a pfa are futile. 

Telling me I need psychiatric evaluations. No! He does. 

I am so awesome now! I almost made the worst decision of my life. I am glad I was able to see the light. 

I will always fight for my girls and what is worth it. My life is mine and it is time for him to grow up and leave us alone.