I lied

The other day I said that divorce was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. 

I lied. 

Breaking it off with my fiance trumps that. 

To tell my soulmate that we can no longer be together is crushing. 

I always say that everything happens for a reason. He helped me get my life back, and for that I will be eternally grateful. 

But, I also say that the hardest things to do in life are often for the best. 

I do not know how my days will go. I do not know how my girls will react. I just know that I need to move on. 

I gave everything I had. I am exhausted. I have nothing more to give. 

You know, they say you can’t change a person, and that is so true. 

I deserve better. I hope to one day find it. 

So here I sit, alone on a friday night. 

I feel numb. 

My two best buds to keep me company…


A new angel

God has received a new angel today. If you have read my previous posts, you will see a story about a friend who was battling melanoma. 

She fought bravely and with grace, but God knew that she had grown tired. 

He called her home this morning. 

We were never really “friends” in highschool, but she was always accepting of everyone. 

Time passed and we reconnected on facebook. I found that we had a lot in common, and I felt closer to her. 

After I found out that she was sick, I knew in my heart that no matter how hard she fought, the evil was going to win. 

I had hope, I wished and prayed for her healing. Every time she was absent, I feared the worst. 

This morning, she was able to rest. She was able to let go of the pain. 

But, let this be a lesson, especially because I try to believe that everything happens for a reason. 

It has been said before, but you only have one life. Live it to the best and fullest you can. 

Go out and do something good for somebody else today. Do it for Amy. 

Pass the love along. Live. 

Growing up (long, but real)

So, here I was putting some of my Jamberry samples together and listening to Pandora. A song that I like from a band/singer I have never heard of came on.  The artist is “Plumb”, and the song is  called “Cut”. 

It had me travelling back through my childhood. All the shit that I have been through until now is pretty fucked up. Thinking about it actually started to rev up my anxiety. 

So, I decided to write. Some of this stuff was shared with very few people. Some of it, just Todd. 

I grew up in a very volatile environment like I had said before. Most of the times I thought it was the norm. I was young, trusting, and I didn’t know there was a difference. 

My thoughts are going to jump. As I think of the many instances that stand out, and not about the time and date.

I remember as a young kid, my mom had broken her arm. I never really pieced it together until I had gotten much older. But, my dad had pushed my mom and knocked her down, and she broke her arm. I never asked him about it, he has never confessed. 

Another time, I witnessed my dad flip over a recliner with my mom in it. I remember sitting on the livingroom floor when it happened. 

In general, there was fighting and arguing everyday, several times a day. 

My mom never slept in the bedroom with him. She slept on the couch as far back as I can remember. 

When I was 11 or 12 years old, my older neighbor that I grew up with as a babysitter and I guess friend, dated a guy who later moved in. I used to always go over there, bake cookies with her, play video games and other stuff. So, I never thought twice about going over there when just he was there. One summer, I was hanging out in the bedroom when he said he had something to do. Not thinking anything of it, I stayed. He then proceeded to lock the door and tell me not to tell anybody. He turned on some porn and began masturbating. I was definitely uncomfortable with both what was on the tv and what he was doing. I stared blankly at a newspaper until it was over and excused myself to go home. 

I went back a few more times, curiosity had me. But, after he started to ask me questions and want to include me, I felt it wasn’t right. I eventually told my mother who I made swear she wouldn’t say anything. I quit going over there, and she never told. And, this is the first time I am sharing all this openly. 

As I got older, and welcome the teen years, my family situation became more evident to me. 

If being a teen isn’t already bad enough with trying to find yourself, I had a whole lot of baggage that I carried with me. 

I dated a lot of assholes. I was lost and confused and wanted attention and love. I wanted someone who couldn’t resist me to pine for me and treat me like a queen. 

I never found it. 

The one guy I dated for 4 1/2 years was just as fucked up as I was. I learned how to cut from him. 

A lot of times it worked. For that moment, as tears streamed down my face, the edge of the razorblade numbed every feeling witnin. It is almost like a junkie shooting up. 

The creative being that I am, I would grab a paintbrush and paint with my blood. 

Again, super real here. I don’t hold anything back. 

Later down the line with him, he persuaded me into having a threesome with another girl. I was with a few different girls. Not always sexually. There were two that were more into me than him. There was one that destroyed me. 

He began to see her without me. I didn’t want to share that way. It eventually broke us up. My life began another downward spiral. 

Looking for approval and affection, I moved onto another relationship, that will go down in history for being the worst of all the assholes I dated. 

He was a drug addict. He stole money from me and others, he memorized all my personal info and was attempting to get credit cards in my name. He smacked me down to the ground. He was a lying, thieving cheater and Karma found his ass and did a fabulous job. 

His dad died on my birthday a few years later after battling colon cancer. He was incarcerated for some time for credit card fraud and identity theft. He found his mom slumped over dead in the livingroom a few years later, and last time I heard from him, which was a few years ago, he was battling liver disease and was on the donor list. 

KARMA, she is a real bitch. 

Anyways, after all that, I was just out of control. Drinking and partying and not giving two shits about much of anything. 

I met guys online. One time I passed out drunk and I woke up puking, and bleeding and sore. 

Then I met my ex. At that time in life, I needed somebody to reel me in. I didn’t consciously decide that, I think fate decided for me. 

Because, if I were ever to meet my soulmate, I needed to be alive and well. 

At that point in life, I was already shocked I wasn’t dead yet. Drugs, alcohol, risky behavior. 

I rode that train out until fate lead me to Todd. 

And here we are present day…Always obstacles and tests being put on my path. But, I overcome them every time. I refuse to allow my shitty childhood and bumpy past define me. I may be broken, but I am not unfixable. I may not be perfect, but I am unique. Exactly what I was voted my senior year of highschool. 

I am fine with my tattered edges and rustic style. I have been through a lot. I wear it all as my armor. 


My life

I often wonder how I keep afloat. 

In the past two weeks, I have been bombarded with all sorts of shit. 

A real shitstorm! 

So, it starts with me. Yes, my boobs aren’t real. Not ashamed. I spent 35 years having the chest of a 10 year old.

But, something wasn’t right. Come to find, that I am so muscular, that my pec muscle pushed one of my implants out of place. I can not afford to get it fixed right now. How flippin crazy is that. Only me! 

Then, my brother contacts me, whom I haven’t talked to in over a year, to tell me that my dad was taken to the hospital with stroke symptoms. 

He has been fighting leukemia for nearly two decades and has had many complications along the way. He also has had to have various melanoma removed from his skin. 

In the same breath as telling me about my dad, my brother informs me that my only grandmother I had left died back in November from a stroke, and NOBODY told me. 

Jesus Christ! 

Wait, it gets better. 

My ex husband decided that because of the incident with my fiance, he is now taking me to court for full custody. 

How haven’t I broken down by now? 

My girls are always safe. An isolated incident. A huge wake up call for him as well as I. We are both going to counseling together because we realize the problems are greater than us. 

We are getting help, and he wants to take my girls away from me. He is a monster, and I hope he realizes the hatred he is going to create, not only from me, but from the girls. Especially my oldest. 

Nobody fears my fiance. We all realize here that he has a problem. We all want to give him a chance because we love him. 

I don’t even know how I am going to be able to pay for representation. 

I am a great mom. Not conceited. Just honest. Todd is a great father figure, that I know those girls don’t get over there since he is always at work. 

So, here I sit in a state of numbness. Not knowing what to do and how to feel. Talk about sending your anxiety into overdrive. I think now I can also include some depression. 

How have I not crumbled yet? Seriously! 


A true love story

Then why is it ending? 

I don’t want it to. 

But, I am not sure it can be mended. 

I am 36 years old and have a broken heart like a teenager. 

I never asked for much. 

All I wanted is to be loved, appreciated and respected. 

All I got what disappointment, sadness and chaos. 

I gave selflessly. I gave all that I had.

My love was not enough to conquer the demons. 

I feel like a part of me has died. 

I’d rather feel a physical pain than the raging sorrow I have within. 

They say time heals all wounds. 

I want time to stop. 


Love, what is it good for?

When you think you have found your soulmate and they turn into a monster…

Or rather progress and become worse…

I gave my everything. Always. 

Now, I am just crushed. I have been putting on my game face. 

Gotta be tough for my girls. But, come tomorrow when they go to be with their dad, I will be alone. 

I want to cry now. 

I feel like shattered glass. 

It was always me, or so I was told. 

There is nothing wrong with me. 

When a person instigates a fight in an amusement park parking lot, and the other person is about to get a handgun from their car, you know for sure that you are not the one with the problem. 

When a person verbally attacks your 3 year old because her lil body is tired which is making her cranky, you know it’s not you. 

When they pull over the car on the highway and get out and your first thought is get into the drivers seat and go and they try to punch your window out, you know it’s not you. 

When your 8 year old hugs you and tells you that she didn’t like the way you were treated, but didn’t want to say anything, you know it’s not you, and you know it is over. 

I just want to be loved and respected and appreciated. 

I just want someone to realize all that I do and how big my heart is and not shit on it. 

I want someone who tells me I am beautiful. Makes me feel special, because I know that I am. 

And the tears begin to fall. 

My dad always told me I was a fuck up, and I guess he is right. 

Wipe your eyes and move on. Sissies don’t survive in life. Become guarded. Put your fortress walls up again. 

You are on your own now. Deal with it.