In the “write” place

I never planned for my life to go the way it has. 

In fact, I never really envisioned anything other than being happy. 

Is it careless to allow life to go as it should?

Should I have made sure that I had a clear and precise plan?

What I am sure of, is that everything has happened for a reason. Even when I have had doubts. 

With every step, each obstacle or victory or test or reward, has shaped my life the way it truly needed to go. 

I am not a religious person, but I understand why having something to believe in is so important. 

It gives you the hope to continue going when you don’t think you can. 

In my mindset, I have been through a lot. In each persons mind, their fight is unique and worse than anybody elses. 

Just remember that, and don’t try to down play their struggle. 

I believe my journey, no matter what I thought it was supposed to be, happened the way it was meant to. 

I have found that I have come almost full circle. 

I have found that “person” I was supposed to be with. 

I have learned about the importance of love and trust and family. 

I am coming back to that creative and unique chick I once was. 

All I can feel is that I feel more at home now in my skin, and I lost my way for a bit. 

I have always been driven by my desire to create, to make, to be a part of anything that pertained to art. Music, writing, drawing, painting, giving, creating….those are things that drive me and keep my heart alive. 

I always hoped that one day I would be “famous” so to speak for something that involved my talents. 

Things I had to learn, but things that I taught myself and had an abilty for. Things that made me happy to share with others. 

I have always loved to write. 

I have always loved being creative. Making floral arrangements, crocheting or coming up with my own ideas for something new and neat! 

I love photography and taking pictures of everything. Capturing moments and memories and beauty. 

I love to sing even though I am only so so. Music has always been fuel for me. 

I would love to show my girls to never give up on their dreams. 

I am almost 37 years old, and I feel like I have a whole hell of a lot to still offer.

Just want to find that thing that helps me to connect with the world. I want to make a difference! 

Awesome

I have been feeling really good and motivated lately. 

Yesterday I took a walk. For exercise purposes. 

Working out, training, exercising…all have been the furthest thought on my mind. 

Not to say that it doesn’t bother me, I miss being active. But, a shitstorm has been crushing me. Yes, I have been making excuses. 

I used to always say that you make excuses to find the easy way out, and that is true. I just totally lost my way. 

In that, i admit, I wanted the easy way out, because I just didn’t have the strength and motivation to tackle everything. I had to prioritize. 

But, I am starting to gain strength again. 

Took that same walk today. Instead of walking the whole way, I jogged the last half of the distance back to the house. 

Everything is one day at a time. 

I am pregnant, so I must be careful. I have been having serious sciatica nerve pain and problems, so I don’t want to aggravate that. I also don’t want to let it win, and have me mostly on my ass or in bed for the next 6 months. 

I have gained 13 lbs. More than probably I should have at this point. Yes, the doritos are great. The french fries and sour gummi worms are awesome. Will I still have some. Of course, I am human after all. But, I am going to be more careful with my choices. 

Also, because I had gestational diabetes during my last pregnancy. So, I am a greater risk this time.

But, like I said, one day at a time. 

I feel good today though. I know the crap around me isn’t going to completely disappear. 

But, I feel good today. 

Retail: Part Two

So, after I wrote the first retail post, I thought about the other side of it. 

Any job can be nasty. That is why it is a paying job, and not a hobby. 

But anyways, there are plenty of great things I got out of working retail. 

First and foremost, I learned a lot about myself. I was once the shy kid who wouldn’t raise my hand, even if I knew the answer. 

I was shy at first in the retail world, but then I just starting opening up and being myself. 

I was outgoing, and damn good at my job. And I liked that I was good at something. 

I made lasting friendships with some of the people I worked with. 

I learned about people and how they react, and I learned how to communicate with everyone. 

I got the fulfillment of meeting some of those truly special people who have respect and grace no matter who they come in contact with or what mood they are in. 

I got to participate in the holiday madness. Even though I dreaded it, it gave me a rush. I felt a part of something magical helping people select the perfect gift for someone. 

I learned to stand up for myself too. 

Some days I can’t imagine working a job like that again, and other times I truly miss it. 

I haven’t been good at much throughout my life. I used to be a quitter of everything. 

But, I was good at communicating with people. Being someone they went to for help. A familiar face. A friend. 

That feels like success to me. 

My mom

We certainly have history. A lot of it bad. 

I have learned a lot in the past year since my divorce was finalized. 

A lot about myself, and a lot about life. 

My mom and I have a toxic relationship that erupted after I was married for a bit. 

I don’t necessarily know why I acted the way I did. 

I just know that I didn’t feel like myself in my marriage. In turn it made me act not myself. 

So, to simply explain the troubles, my mom has always been a little “off” as far back as I can really remember. As I got older it became more difficult to deal with her erractic behavior. 

My parents fought daily, and my mom seemed to become more insane. 

Truth is, she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, maybe a few years ago, but refuses to accept treatment for it. 

So, regardless, she is still extremely difficult to deal with. 

After all that I have been through, I finally realized how important family is. 


Every fricken day I am reminded. 

So, I decided to write my mom a letter. Heartfelt, apologetic, and real. 

It has been nearly a month since I sent it. 

I have received no response. 

There really isn’t much more I can do. 


I have learned a lot from my mom. All the little things she used to go out of her way and do for us, just to get some smiles, I find myself doing with my girls. 

But, I also vowed to never be the negatives I saw growing up. 

I saw her struggles and how she lived selflessly and unhappy. 

That was not going to be me. I love my dad, but my parents should have been divorced long ago. 

I refuse to live in misery and not live my life. 

I want happiness. I want peace. I want my family. 

I took a nasty road to get there, but I made it. Now, I am just trying to repair the damage I created. 

What will be, will be. I won’t hold my breath. 

Retail

Todd and I were talking about working the retail life. 

I have been a mere associate, and I have been more. 

I am going to speak from the level of management. It is a much more expansive picture to paint. 

So ya, we run registers. Nowadays we don’t have to worry about counting back change. More often than not, the customer is swiping or inserting a card instead. (I will not even get into my disgust for chip readers). 

But, as a retail store manager there is so much more. 

We pretty much run the entire operation of the store. 

We hire and fire. 

We order, receive and unpack. 

We train and teach our employees. 

We scold and reprimand employees when need be. 

We work up all the numbers each day and are held accountable when numbers are not correct and where they are expected. 

We manage all the transactions, cash, charges, returns. 

We order supplies to make sure we can continue to be operational each day. 

We set sales, reorganize, set up, tear down, change, decorate or promote our products on a daily basis. 

We often skip our lunch breaks because getting the new floor set done is more important. 

We have to get talked down to from higher ups that don’t want to hear any of your excuses. 

Dealing with insubordinate employees, lying, or stealing. 

I had an employee one Christmas that took a 15 min break, and came back drolling and slurring and acting crazy. He ended up shooting heroin on his little break. 

And just like the associates below us, we still have to have a smile on our faces for our customers. 

We have to help and serve them and help them with their needs, because they are the people who ultimately keep our paychecks coming. 

For a measly $400 a week, I was expected to do it all. 
I had people blame me for everything, fight and argue. I have had people who I grew to know very well that appreciated what I did. 

People trying to shoplift. Fighting on the weekends. Ignorant teenagers that were obviously not raised well. 

It was one of the most stressful jobs I have ever had. But, I had a purpose. It felt good that somebody believed in me enough to hand me keys to the store and say, here ya go, you got this. 

So, just remember that as the holidays approach. Although I am not in the business anymore, I know what it is like to get paid shit, treated like shit and yet have so much responsibility. 

Just be respectful. Be human. Be real. 

The Big Purge

I have accumulated way too much crap in the past 14 years. I keep packing it up and dragging it on to the next place.

This time, I am tossing shit left and right and loving every minute of it. 

After so much of our stuff was destroyed in the garage, I decided there was so much other “garbage” we don’t need, obviously don’t want, and some things just needed to go so we can part with our past. 


I am moving on. We are moving on. We have learned a lot about ourselves and eachother and I am just exhausted with the fight. Nobody wins, like I said. 

I lived a life where I lived pretty well. I became arrogant and hateful. 

Time to simplify. I feel renewed, so it is time to start new. 

I was living a lie. I thought I knew where I belonged. I was young. I wasn’t wise enough yet. 

I have grown, I have learned, I have stumbled and I have fallen flat on my face. 

But, where I am in life right now, with myself and my life, it is where I belong. 

I have things that are a piece of me, like my yarn and coloring books. 

But, there are plenty of things that I no longer need to hold on to.

I am totally ok with that. 

I am just being me these days, and I couldn’t be happier.