It has been almost two years since my separation and soon after divorce.
Today actually marks the day I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I don’t regret getting married. I have three beautiful girls and I have learned a lot about myself and life.
But, it was a mistake.
A mistake I was able to correct.
So, here I am nearing 40 years old and 27 weeks pregnant. I am already considered a high risk pregnancy due to my age.
Never once did I use my health to not be mom to the children I already had. I pushed myself to the last day.
Some people can easily judge me based on my current situation. Life may be tough, but just because I didn’t plan for this doesn’t make me a bad mom. I could never live with myself knowing I terminated a life.
There were only two people involved. We are working very hard, as always to be the best we can be.
Unfortunately, I have an evil force in my life. A virus if you will.
I almost feel ashamed to be pregnant because of their words. The stress from the harassment. The fear that it will never end.
I made a decision last Saturday, the day before Easter, not to take my 5 year old to softball practice. We had plans to dye eggs. It was the day before a holiday.
The following is an excerpt of the email I received regarding that decision.
I was crying to my doctor this morning because she offered to set me up with physical therapy to help me deal with my hip and thigh pains and I told her I couldn’t.
Why? Because I am so afraid that it will add too much to my already busy schedule and if I miss a softball game, it will be held against me.
I am afraid that if I have too many strikes against me that he will take me to court to try again for full custody, his defense that I am unfit because I can’t keep up with the kids schedules.
If I am having a bad day with my pregnancy, I am afraid to stop and care for myself a little cause he will use it against me.
Disgusting human being.
I feel bullied and harassed.
Constantly being scrutinized and judged.
I don’t deserve to live this way, to be treated this way.
Am I wrong?