I often struggle with the back and forth of whether or not I fucked up.
Not because I am unhappy. Not because I miss what I had. But, because I disrupted three small lives.
Every single Wednesday when I drop my two youngest girls off at preschool, I walk back to my car thinking about how I won’t get to see them later.
My youngest is almost 4, but she often has breakdowns. Sometimes before we even make it to the drop off line at school.
She doesn’t want to go to daddy’s. Of course I know it can’t be bad there.
She is just becoming more aware of things and doesn’t like the back and forth.
She literally zipped up her coat after I tried to take it off in protest.
There goes the mommy guilt.
That certainly makes Wednesdays more difficult.
We have good Wednesdays with no fight.
But, I still walk solemnly back to my car, missing them already.
That and the requirement to stay afloat in life now, now that it has been completely turned upside down, are probably the two toughest things about divorce.
But, no matter the obstacles, I try to remind myself each day that I am in a better place. I have made it this far.
I look at pictures of moments I have captured with my family.
I smile because, as mom, I always go above and beyond to take care of them.
Just remember. I am human, so that doesn’t make me perfect.
Regardless of financial status. Regardless of the size of our house. Regardless of any other circumstances.
I can not allow mommy guilt to make me second guess all the love and care I put forth.
That is what means the most.
Sure, I miss them like crazy when they are gone.
But, I know those smiling faces are coming back to me. So that I can go above and beyond for my family again.