Mom guilt

I often struggle with the back and forth of whether or not I fucked up. 

Not because I am unhappy. Not because I miss what I had. But, because I disrupted three small lives. 

Every single Wednesday when I drop my two youngest girls off at preschool, I walk back to my car thinking about how I won’t get to see them later. 

My youngest is almost 4, but she often has breakdowns. Sometimes before we even make it to the drop off line at school. 

She doesn’t want to go to daddy’s. Of course I know it can’t be bad there. 

She is just becoming more aware of things and doesn’t like the back and forth. 

She literally zipped up her coat after I tried to take it off in protest. 

There goes the mommy guilt. 

That certainly makes Wednesdays more difficult. 

We have good Wednesdays with no fight. 

But, I still walk solemnly back to my car, missing them already. 

That and the requirement to stay afloat in life now, now that it has been completely turned upside down, are probably the two toughest things about divorce. 

But, no matter the obstacles, I try to remind myself each day that I am in a better place. I have made it this far. 

I look at pictures of moments I have captured with my family. 

I smile because, as mom, I always go above and beyond to take care of them. 

Just remember. I am human, so that doesn’t make me perfect.

Regardless of financial status. Regardless of the size of our house. Regardless of any other circumstances. 

I can not allow mommy guilt to make me second guess all the love and care I put forth. 

That is what means the most. 

Sure, I miss them like crazy when they are gone. 

But, I know those smiling faces are coming back to me. So that I can go above and beyond for my family again. 

In the “write” place

I never planned for my life to go the way it has. 

In fact, I never really envisioned anything other than being happy. 

Is it careless to allow life to go as it should?

Should I have made sure that I had a clear and precise plan?

What I am sure of, is that everything has happened for a reason. Even when I have had doubts. 

With every step, each obstacle or victory or test or reward, has shaped my life the way it truly needed to go. 

I am not a religious person, but I understand why having something to believe in is so important. 

It gives you the hope to continue going when you don’t think you can. 

In my mindset, I have been through a lot. In each persons mind, their fight is unique and worse than anybody elses. 

Just remember that, and don’t try to down play their struggle. 

I believe my journey, no matter what I thought it was supposed to be, happened the way it was meant to. 

I have found that I have come almost full circle. 

I have found that “person” I was supposed to be with. 

I have learned about the importance of love and trust and family. 

I am coming back to that creative and unique chick I once was. 

All I can feel is that I feel more at home now in my skin, and I lost my way for a bit. 

I have always been driven by my desire to create, to make, to be a part of anything that pertained to art. Music, writing, drawing, painting, giving, creating….those are things that drive me and keep my heart alive. 

I always hoped that one day I would be “famous” so to speak for something that involved my talents. 

Things I had to learn, but things that I taught myself and had an abilty for. Things that made me happy to share with others. 

I have always loved to write. 

I have always loved being creative. Making floral arrangements, crocheting or coming up with my own ideas for something new and neat! 

I love photography and taking pictures of everything. Capturing moments and memories and beauty. 

I love to sing even though I am only so so. Music has always been fuel for me. 

I would love to show my girls to never give up on their dreams. 

I am almost 37 years old, and I feel like I have a whole hell of a lot to still offer.

Just want to find that thing that helps me to connect with the world. I want to make a difference! 

When adults can’t seem to “grow up”…

In the beginning, emotions are raging. Life exploded, but yet came to a standstill all at the same time. 

That sensory overload is extremely disruptive, and there are a lot of pieces to pick up. A lot of questions. A lot of confusion. A lot of everything. 

People make mistakes. People sometimes do stupid things. 

The problem is when people can not move past the disruptive phase. 

I am definitely in a new phase of life. 

One that I belong in.

Life has changed so much over the past almost 2 years. Not just for me, but for everyone. 

I have been through so much chaos along the way. But, no matter how down I get about things, somehow I keep moving forward. Proving to myself that even though I aspire for more, I am worthwhile, and successful in my own way. 

I no longer have time for regret, or to hold grudges or retaliation. 

I am almost 37 years old. I have a baby on the way. I have an ailing father in the hospital. I have three small beings that depend on me. I have way too much going on to hold on to the past.

Some people can’t seem to do this. 

Why? I wish I knew. I wish it would stop. 

I live an honest life. I have nothing to hide. I do the best I can and more almost every day. I try to be selfless and giving where I can. 

Why do I need to keep defending my honor when I know it is true and real? 

Nobody is perfect. You are not better or worse than me. We are equal, but we are different. 

That is all. 

You are not destroying my life or knocking me down. Your childish attacks are only giving me more courage and fight. 

More knowledge, more power. 

So, to you…you do whatever you think you need to do to feel better about yourself. 

I know who I am. 

How do you title this? 

Much like my writing, my exercising has also been sporadic. 

But, I am having another good day today. 

I am 16 weeks today. I have about 4 more until my next ultrasound. Hopefully we find that we have a healthy baby, and perhaps know better how to address baby Meyers. 

So, today I did some working out, the best I could without being in a gym. 


I know that I have gained weight. I also know that it is all worth while, and I know how to handle it, when all is said and done. 

I have tons of before and after shots and progress pics that I can use as motivation. 

I have done this before, I know I can do it again. 

This being one of them: 


Hard work doesn’t scare me. It challenges me. It drives me. 

All in all, I am becoming anxious to have this baby in my arms. I still have so much more to go. 

Been feeling tiny movements lately. Over the next two weeks the baby apps say the baby will double in size. 

Hoping then I can share those movements with Todd. 

He is a first timer, this is all new and exciting for him. 

I have been excited every time. 

No matter what hell you go through, it is all worth it in the end. 

A supreme joy that you can not compare to anything else. 

The best thing you can do is try to enjoy the journey. 


I puked up almost every meal for weeks.

My skin has been a mess. Dry. Oily. Breaking out. 

My pants have been getting tighter. 

My hair has gotten thicker and in deperate need of an overhaul. 

My back has gotten tighter and my skin has gotten looser. 

Some nights when I try to sleep insomnia steps in, or total discomfort keeps me tossing and turning. 

I may complain, but it is all part of the beautiful disaster that pregnancy truly is.

The instant and unconditional love you have when that baby is placed before you erases all the obstacles along the way.