No, God didn’t come to me. 

But, I came to the realization about something.

As I sat here the other morning, fighting off the worst migraine I have ever had, I realized how stupid I was.

I let him win. My ex doesn’t want me and Todd together. He wants to punish me and bring me down any way he can. 

Because I was so worried about losing the girls, I let that a-hole manipulate me and bully me into making a decision I didn’t want to make. 

No more! I am an adult and no longer married to him. He has no right now or ever to dictate to me how I live my life. 

The control ends here. I am not throwing away my soulmate because he has unresolved issues. 

I was seriously in a state of depression thinking about the hasty decision I made. All because he feels the girls are not safe in my care. 

Shit happens and people make mistakes, but I can tell you that I am a damn good mom, and my girls are well taken care of. 

So, fuck you sir! I am not under your laws and rules anymore. I have a mind of my own, and all your petty garbage, calling child protective services on me and trying to get a pfa are futile. 

Telling me I need psychiatric evaluations. No! He does. 

I am so awesome now! I almost made the worst decision of my life. I am glad I was able to see the light. 

I will always fight for my girls and what is worth it. My life is mine and it is time for him to grow up and leave us alone. 


I lied

The other day I said that divorce was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. 

I lied. 

Breaking it off with my fiance trumps that. 

To tell my soulmate that we can no longer be together is crushing. 

I always say that everything happens for a reason. He helped me get my life back, and for that I will be eternally grateful. 

But, I also say that the hardest things to do in life are often for the best. 

I do not know how my days will go. I do not know how my girls will react. I just know that I need to move on. 

I gave everything I had. I am exhausted. I have nothing more to give. 

You know, they say you can’t change a person, and that is so true. 

I deserve better. I hope to one day find it. 

So here I sit, alone on a friday night. 

I feel numb. 

My two best buds to keep me company…

A new angel

God has received a new angel today. If you have read my previous posts, you will see a story about a friend who was battling melanoma. 

She fought bravely and with grace, but God knew that she had grown tired. 

He called her home this morning. 

We were never really “friends” in highschool, but she was always accepting of everyone. 

Time passed and we reconnected on facebook. I found that we had a lot in common, and I felt closer to her. 

After I found out that she was sick, I knew in my heart that no matter how hard she fought, the evil was going to win. 

I had hope, I wished and prayed for her healing. Every time she was absent, I feared the worst. 

This morning, she was able to rest. She was able to let go of the pain. 

But, let this be a lesson, especially because I try to believe that everything happens for a reason. 

It has been said before, but you only have one life. Live it to the best and fullest you can. 

Go out and do something good for somebody else today. Do it for Amy. 

Pass the love along. Live. 

Divorce…I don’t recommend it

If you are truly unhappy, and you have expressed your feelings and nothing has changed, divorce is always an option. 

But, if you are not good with dealing with stress, I urge you to find an alternative. Sorry, I don’t have an answer for what that alternative could be. 

Let’s face it, most divorces are not amicable. There is a lot of tension, anger, hate, mistrust, court, money being thrown away….

It is just nasty, and unless you strongly believe it will all be ok, think about it before you do it. 

I would never change the fact that I am divorced. I am much happier with who I am, which is extremely important, but all the chaos that comes with it, is enough to really take you down. 

I hope and pray daily that the evilness will subside and I will be able to move on and live my life peacefully…

It has been nearly a year since my divorce was finalized, it is just getting uglier. 

The moral of the story is, be prepared to give everything you have, especially if children are involved. Don’t make mistakes like I did and think that your ex is your friend. He will stab you in the back in an instant to make himself look better. Don’t say anything nasty, even though you feel you might burst at the seams if you don’t get it out. 

Be ready for tears and bad days. Strap your armor on tight, raise your shield and be ready for the attacks. 

Of course this doesn’t apply to all divorces. When people say they parted on good terms, you get a weird look on your face like you just smelled something disgusting. 

I have birthed three kids. My last who came out in 9 mins and fractured my pelvis. I have been through multiple surgeries. But, of all the things I have gone through in life, divorce and the aftermath has been the most difficult. 

It is a test of will and character and inner strength like no other. Nothing can prepare you for what could and has happened. 

You pick yourself up and continue. One day, one moment at a time is the only way. 

A picture is worth more than a thousand words

It has been quite some time since I have posted here. Sometimes life and all its moving parts are more important. 

All of my girls started school, my youngest for the first time. 

This is Kira’s little green blanky. It goes everywhere with her. She usually takes it in the car and leaves it behind for when she comes back from her dads. This past week, she didn’t take it. She had her backpack on her back and was halfway out the door when I asked her if she wanted to take it. She said no. That being her first day of preschool, my baby just became a big girl. If I have learned anything about myself or as a mother, it is to cherish all the moments you have in life that make you smile. Remember that the little things leave the longest lasting impressions and create and make the most memories that you can.

My girls are my life. I love them with every fiber of my being. They are the only three girls that have actually been so close to my heart. 

I may have failed or given up on many things in life. Being a great mother is something I can not fail at, and no matter what chaos is thrown my way, I will not give up. 

Divorce has helped me to discover many of my strengths. It has revealed my weaknesses, but has also given me a chance to improve. I refuse to become stagnant. 

These smiles, these genuine smiles are my fuel to continue even when I feel weak. 

From strength comes courage. From courage comes success. From success comes happiness. Happiness leads to a happy life and a happy family. Do not let anybody tell you that you are less than what you are. Be yourself. Be true. Believe.