My mom

Life has been very complicated regarding my relationship with my mom. 

All my life, my mom has been somewhat disconnected from reality. Her behavior is bizarre to say the least. 

As I got older, I realized that something was not right. As a child, it was my mom, and I really never thought about comparing her to other moms. 

There were times when she was mad at my dad, which was commonplace, and she would run up to his room, throw the door open and start yelling. 

She would race through the kitchen opening and slamming closed each cabinet door. 

I have had her lose it while driving and practically stop in the middle of the highway. 

I was told about how one day she went outside and threw rocks at my dads bedroom window. 

There was one time when she came over to visit after having my first daughter and she was more concerned about my DVD collection rather than playing with her granddaughter.

There was another time after having my second daughter that we went over for Christmas and she was holding her and she was fussing. My mom obviously became annoyed and put her down face first on the carpet. Not to mention my parents don’t really clean. 

That was it for me. 

She was already hard to deal with. Always causing arguments between us. 

Why did she act this way?

In recent years she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. 

Great, we have some kind of answer that explains her behavior. 

Although, she refused to accept treatment. At the time, she was also being treated for a seizure disorder that came out of nowhere. Probably from the malnutrition. I think my dad said she was around 80 lbs. My mom doesn’t eat, literally. 

Anyways, I decided to limit contact with her to keep the peace. Not because I am an asshole that hates her mother, but because for the good of everyone. Me keeping my distance kept her from having freakouts over our conversations which almost never ended nicely, and then attacking my dad because she was upset. 

It also saved the stress it put on me. I was already stressed to the max feeling like a single mother. 

I sent my mom a mother’s day card this year with a note tucked in explaining that she is my mom and that will never change. I also mentioned that even though we don’t talk, I still love her and have learned a lot from her. 

I expected to get it back with “return to sender” stamped on it. She kept it. I hope she read it. 

It got me thinking further about how much I have learned from my mom. How many of the things she did I now implement as a mom. 

The kindness and caring. That came from my mom. My dad also worked shift work, so I definitely remember my mom being in control most of the time. She would take us to the library, the pool, ice cream as a treat, baseball games, soccer games, take me to dance class. Take me to the craft store so I could buy stuff to create new things. She was there to get me breakfast in the morning and help me get ready for school. She was present for every school event or meeting. She made sure my brother and I were loved, and well taken care of. She sacrificed things for herself so that we could have the things that we wanted or needed. She gave up a career and a life outside the home because that was the best thing for us. My mom did it all. 

That is me. Strong willed, independent, loving, caring, selfless. I can totally thank my mom for helping me be a great mom. 

She is nearly impossible to talk to. My dad believes alzheimers is starting to play a role. 

I just want people to know that I am not a horrible person for not talking to my mom. It hurts that I don’t have that best friend. My first pregnancy she at least asked me how I was. The last two I had no compassion from either of my parents. I didn’t even contact them when I went into labor with my last daughter. 

I never had that mom growing up. She cared for us, but she was never that mom that could also be my best friend. I hope to change that with my girls. 

I want to be an open book and sounding board for them always. 

I want to be the mom for them that I never had. 

Life after divorce has given me time to collect my thoughts and analyze the last decade of my life. 

Writing is my therapy. 

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