Starting the next chapter

A new chapter had already begun a little over a year ago. 

I just let the pages turn. 

It is just a lamp. Turning it off was very difficult. We kept it on in the basement so that Noel had some light while she hung out down there. I was downstairs vacuuming and realized it didn’t need to be left on anymore. I feel like a large piece of my life has ended. True it may be a good thing, but I am losing parts of my past that were still happy and special. I guess when one chapter ends, a new one begins. Since I am the author, it is up to me to fill the pages the best that I can now. 


Best Jamicure Ever! 

I love them so much I just had to share! 😍 (Chalkboard Hearts and Gray and Silver Stripe)

That is why I love Jamberry so much. I can do and create whatever my “heart” desires. It is so much fun, creative and your options are endless. It doesn’t cost as much as going to a salon and you can change them whenever you wish, at home. 


I have had Noel since 2003. She was an early Christmas present shortly after I got married. She was always my buddy. Slept with me or near me most nights. Years ago she began having seizures when stressed. Moving, remodeling…I think she had one that she couldn’t recover from. I didn’t get to pet her soft fur. I didn’t get to do nose rubs. I didn’t get to nestle our heads together one last time. She was always just here. Her presence will be missed greatly for a long time. The end of my marriage last year, and the end to my furry friend this year. 

Now, to figure out how to tell the girls after they get back from vacation. 

Drew this, I have never been a great realistic artist. My drawing does her cuteness no justice, but it is not horrible. 

I have dreams…

I have dreams in life. Just like everybody else. 

I have things I want to accomplish. 

I have dreams of one day owning my own home. Being able to call it mine, ours. Not having to move again. Be able to do what I wish with the house. Settle and live. 

I have dreams of getting rid of my debt and not having anxiety about how I am going to pay all the bills. 

I have dreams of being successful and happy with what I do. I have always wanted to work in a flower shop and be creative. I love being creative in general and wish I could use those talents to support my family.

I wouldn’t even mind being a receptionist or secretary or whatever they call them these days. The organizing and keeping track of things makes me happy. 

I have dreams about getting some sort of college degree, just to know I did it. 

I love to write. I always wanted to be a newpaper columnist or write for a magazine. 

I love taking pictures! 

I’d like to skydive one day, see a real tornado, swim with dolphins, and get back to Jamaica. 

I feel like a failure most days. I know, I know, I take care of my girls and that is not failing. 

I need more. I need a bigger purpose, I have so much to share and offer. 

As much as I see myself as unique, I don’t stand out at all. 

I often wonder if the days are going to continue to go by and I continue to accept that my dreams and wants and desires are never going to come to fruitition. 

I need something big. I need something great to save me. Give me hope. Give me reason to believe that when the time is right, some of my dreams will come true. 

My mom

Life has been very complicated regarding my relationship with my mom. 

All my life, my mom has been somewhat disconnected from reality. Her behavior is bizarre to say the least. 

As I got older, I realized that something was not right. As a child, it was my mom, and I really never thought about comparing her to other moms. 

There were times when she was mad at my dad, which was commonplace, and she would run up to his room, throw the door open and start yelling. 

She would race through the kitchen opening and slamming closed each cabinet door. 

I have had her lose it while driving and practically stop in the middle of the highway. 

I was told about how one day she went outside and threw rocks at my dads bedroom window. 

There was one time when she came over to visit after having my first daughter and she was more concerned about my DVD collection rather than playing with her granddaughter.

There was another time after having my second daughter that we went over for Christmas and she was holding her and she was fussing. My mom obviously became annoyed and put her down face first on the carpet. Not to mention my parents don’t really clean. 

That was it for me. 

She was already hard to deal with. Always causing arguments between us. 

Why did she act this way?

In recent years she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. 

Great, we have some kind of answer that explains her behavior. 

Although, she refused to accept treatment. At the time, she was also being treated for a seizure disorder that came out of nowhere. Probably from the malnutrition. I think my dad said she was around 80 lbs. My mom doesn’t eat, literally. 

Anyways, I decided to limit contact with her to keep the peace. Not because I am an asshole that hates her mother, but because for the good of everyone. Me keeping my distance kept her from having freakouts over our conversations which almost never ended nicely, and then attacking my dad because she was upset. 

It also saved the stress it put on me. I was already stressed to the max feeling like a single mother. 

I sent my mom a mother’s day card this year with a note tucked in explaining that she is my mom and that will never change. I also mentioned that even though we don’t talk, I still love her and have learned a lot from her. 

I expected to get it back with “return to sender” stamped on it. She kept it. I hope she read it. 

It got me thinking further about how much I have learned from my mom. How many of the things she did I now implement as a mom. 

The kindness and caring. That came from my mom. My dad also worked shift work, so I definitely remember my mom being in control most of the time. She would take us to the library, the pool, ice cream as a treat, baseball games, soccer games, take me to dance class. Take me to the craft store so I could buy stuff to create new things. She was there to get me breakfast in the morning and help me get ready for school. She was present for every school event or meeting. She made sure my brother and I were loved, and well taken care of. She sacrificed things for herself so that we could have the things that we wanted or needed. She gave up a career and a life outside the home because that was the best thing for us. My mom did it all. 

That is me. Strong willed, independent, loving, caring, selfless. I can totally thank my mom for helping me be a great mom. 

She is nearly impossible to talk to. My dad believes alzheimers is starting to play a role. 

I just want people to know that I am not a horrible person for not talking to my mom. It hurts that I don’t have that best friend. My first pregnancy she at least asked me how I was. The last two I had no compassion from either of my parents. I didn’t even contact them when I went into labor with my last daughter. 

I never had that mom growing up. She cared for us, but she was never that mom that could also be my best friend. I hope to change that with my girls. 

I want to be an open book and sounding board for them always. 

I want to be the mom for them that I never had. 

Life after divorce has given me time to collect my thoughts and analyze the last decade of my life. 

Writing is my therapy. 

This gorgeous girl

She is a kid. She does bad things. She is normal. 

But, reflecting on how much she has changed and grown over the past year makes me smile and want to cry at the same time. 

She is kind hearted, helpful, loving, caring, thoughtful, smart, beautiful, special…my first love. 

She helps me pour milk at dinner or with other things. She offers her help when I am cleaning or organizing. 

She cleans up after her sisters even though the mess was not hers. 

She is bright and enthusiastic. I thought last summer she was never going to learn to read. I wanted to rip my ears off listening to her try. But now, she can read all by herself. She can write in cursive. 

She is creative and appreciates my creativity. 

I enjoy talking to her and teaching her new things, and sometimes she even teaches me something new. 

I enjoy my journey with her. Watching her discover life and learn new things. She has taken the divorce as easy as any kid can. 

Although, it makes me sad. My baby is not a baby. She is my daughter and my friend. As time goes on, she will need me less and less. 

I will hold on as much as I can. She wrote us a little note. The spelling errors make it special. The simple request to cuddle will not be ignored. 

I want her to grow, flourish and never forget that I will always be there for her. 

I want her to know how proud I am of her. 

My baby is not a baby, and it breaks my heart. But, watching her navigate through life is rewarding, because I know who she is, is partly because of who I am. 

She has a beautiful little soul, and I see great things happening for her in life. 

Not the time

After a heated altercation with my ex and his girlfriend, I had decided that that was the icing on the cake. There were other factors in play. I filed for mediation.

We attended one mediation session where he was combative and uncooperative.

At that point, I was given the option to take it straight to court, or to file for a conciliation session. That is basically mediation with court appointed officials involved. 

I had four months to decide my next step. At first, I was all about taking it to the next level. 

Then peace arrived. 

I no longer meet her to exchange the girls, how bad does that sound. She threatened bodily harm on me.

I no longer text him or vice versa unless it is something that needs attention immediately. 

We only email stuff about the girls and their schedules. 

There has been no fighting, no arguing, no verbal abuse and attacks. 

For now, I need this peace. 

More importantly, the girls have some peace. They sometimes get sad about things. 

Pushing the custody thing right now is not worth it. 

Things have been calm, and at this point, it would be selfish of me to pursue the situation further, just to win or prove him wrong. 

I will be vigilant. I will keep tabs. If there is ever a major cause for concern involving my girls, you better believe I will pick up my weapons and head into battle. 

We have 50/50 custody. I don’t agree with the fact that the majority of the time they are with him, he is at work, but my strategy is not to hurt the girls. 

Right now, it is working. We all need this peace. 

These faces are what matters. Not my grudges.