Lost

I feel more lost in life than ever. There are always so many decisions to make. I have been putting stuff off just so I don’t have to deal with it. Maybe I just don’t want to deal with it. Maybe I am just tired of dealing with it.

I don’t like to coast. I like to have answers and know what direction I am going in. 

Right now, all that is up in the air. 

As much as I try not to fall into the same holes as my parents, especially my mom, I find myself following some of their paths. 

I have overcome some of the biggest things. For instance, I grew up in a very volatile environment. My parents never got along, as far back as I can remember. The norm for me was my mom sleeping on the couch to be away from my dad. Daily fighting and arguing. Sometimes physical. I vowed not to bestow that kind of life on my girls. 

But, the coasting part, that is from my mom. Stayed home with the kids. Did everything because my dad had shift work. Didn’t further her education and was left to work minimum wage jobs. 

I want to be something for my girls. I want them to be able to look up to me and know that I did everything I could in life to succeed and not give up. 

That is where I am failing. 

I feel so lost. Are there clues that I am missing? Does somebody have an answer? Am I overthinking things, and the pieces will fall into place when they need to? 

I have no answers, just questions. Sometimes I feel like I am just losing my fight and accepting things how they are. 

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