My baby

My first born love made her First Holy Communion today. 

My how she has grown. 

One of the sweetest and kindest little girls. 

Smart, helpful, understanding, loving and caring. 

So proud of her. 


And an especially rare sighting of me in a dress. It is like spotting bigfoot. 

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Patting myself on the back

I don’t often do that. I tend to focus more on my faults. 

Yesterday, while I was refinancing my car, I realized how far I have come and how much I have accomplished on my own. 

Within the past year, I have gotten divorced, which left me to take care of everything myself. The unknown causes me a great deal of stress and anxiety. The funny thing is, I took care of everything head on and with little fear. 

I was the one whole went and filed for the divorce. I took it upon myself to find a new place to live. Found and purchased a different vehicle. For a little bit, for the first time I owned my own car outright, until the engine blew. I then tried to purchase a home, which failed only because of government stipulations, my alimony did not fall into their alloted timeframe. So, I found a better place for me and my family to rent for now. All the bills are in my name, I financed a brand new car. 

I have my own bank account. I have an identity and purpose again. I have dignity, compassion, love, smiles, and life again. 

I even got to go on a real vacation to Jamaica, for the first time in over two decades. 


I have become a better mother, person and friend. I am not so bitter towards the world, even tho I know after being married to a cop for 12 years, that there is a lot more ugly and evil things in this world than what the average person even knows about. 

I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned to accept when I am wrong. I have learned to fight for what I believe in and to do the right thing, even though it may be harder. 

Isn’t that what life is all about? Learning, developing, growing and improving. With that comes everything else. Love, happiness, adventure, appreciation, dedication, self respect. 

So, I pat myself on the back. The total unheaval of my life did not destroy me. It made me more complete again. The pieces were scattered, but all they needed was rearranged and pieced back together correctly. There are still pieces that need put into place. One day at a time. It will be finished eventually. It’s a good thing I have learned to be more patient as well. 

Failing

Almost every night I have an epiphany. I tell myself that tomorrow is the day. 

I am going to set up my meals, set a timer to eat regularly. Take all my vitamins and supplements, and if I can’t get to the gym, to spend some time at home doing pilates or some weighttraining. 

Why can’t I get back on track? It was like clockwork before. I was proud of myself. Now, I am blah. 

I can’t seem to motivate myself enough even though I am not happy. Why?

I look back at pictures from less than a year ago and feel disappointed that I allowed all my hard work fade away. 

My divorce really threw me off course. I hate making excuses, and I really have no good one now. But, for some reason I keep finding them and I hate it. 

I gotta find that spark again. I know what needs to be done. It is not that I am lost, I just don’t know what it is. 

It is not like me to not go after what I want. I guess that is why I am so bothered. 

I will be there again. I must. For nobody but me. I have the drive and dedication. I just don’t know what is holding me back. 

Simple things

Sometimes it is the most simple of things that not only bring me joy, but make my girls smile. 

I was always told how complicated I am. 

I beg to differ. Perhaps it was just that he didn’t know me, or ever make the effort to know me. 

Perhaps he doesn’t even know his own children. 

This made me and my girls smile this afternoon. Priceless moments. Precious smiles. That is what matters. 


PB&J’s in the shape of their choosing. 😉

Filter

I have been told that I have no filter. In a way it is true. I never hold back my feelings. If I am mad at you, you will know. Although, sometimes I do turn on my filter. I do often think of other people’s feelings. 

I am not a monster. I am just real. I tend to say the things that other people wish they had the courage to say. When important, I tell it like it is. My thoughts and feelings come pouring out if I have a strong conviction to the matter. 

The people who truly know me will accept it. Others will get offended. 

We have become too sheltered in this world. Always holding back or coddling. Why are we trying to raise a nation of weak? 

That is why sometimes people are offended by me. They haven’t had enough taste of the real world to know how to handle life. 

I don’t go around hurting peoples feelings. That is never the object. But, I am straightforward. I offer a different point of view sometimes. I debate. I never attack. I am just real. If you don’t like the answers or comments I give, then don’t ask me. People are offended because they don’t necessarily expect the truth. 

That is not me. I may have no filter, which some may view in a poor light. But, there is no mystery to me. What you see is what you get. 

Bullying

My oldest daughter, Allura, who is 8, came to me last night to tell me she was being made fun of. It is really nothing big, but to her, it is bothersome. She began to cry. I talked to her for quite awhile. She will be fine, because her mommy has been through it all. 

I have always been different, in some ways not by choice and other ways, it was my choice. Regardless, I have never changed to fit in.

Grade school was the worst. There was an older girl that would pick on me. Follow me home from school. She called me names, spit on me and threw rocks at me. Of course there were the kids in my class who obviously felt in-superior and had to pick on the quiet kids, or the kids that didn’t fit in, like me. 

It was hurtful. It was especially damaging as I got older. I was trying to find myself, and the weak people fed off of trying to bring the strong and unique down. 

I had many dark times in my life. Moments that I am not proud of. I was a cutter as a young teen. I was out of control as an older teen. I was myself, but still seeking to find approval from someone. 

It is when someone finally wins and knocks you down, that you realize that you are worth more than that. 

I am strong willed, unique, independent, outgoing, bold and a leader. 

These very things I will teach my girls. 

Allura will find sooner than her sisters how cruel people can be. It is my job to prepare her for life and what is to come. 

It is my job to build her up, guide her and be a person who understands and whom she can go to any time she needs help. 

It is my job to let her know, that even though there are mean people in this world, that she needs to focus on the good and not let the bad bring her down. 

I will not contact the school, even though they have a no tolerance policy. I will not contact the parents. 

In life we can not run and report everything we deem hurtful or unjust. We have to learn and adapt. Telling someone that so in so has been bothering them will not change who that person is, or how they are being brought up. Learning to be strong and not allowing them to manipulate us, is what will keep us moving forward. 

Of course it hurts me that she is hurting. I have been through it all. But, she has a great teacher that loves her. I will do my very best to keep her on track, to help her see how special she is, even when someone wants to break her down. 

That is life. I will fight for her when necessary. I will comfort her when needed. But, I can not fix life. I can only teach and prepare her to be herself which is by far the greatest triumph she will have. 

It’s not about the money

Ever since me and my ex separated, money has been his focus. 

In the beginning he withheld money. Only alloting me $500 dollars every two weeks to take care of my girls. 

Now, I have to remind him every two weeks to give me the money we agreed on in the divorce agreement. 

What got me really thinking about this today was when I dropped my middle daughter off at preschool, the school director stopped me to ask about who I was paying for next year. 

Somehow I think I got screwed. In the divorce agreement, I am responsible for my middle daughter, Harley. I am able to claim her on my taxes. But, I get nothing in return. I now have to pay for her to do 5 day preschool which costs a lot more than what he will be paying for my youngest to go for 3 days. My oldest also has no tuition. 

Must be nice to almost make 6 figures and take on the smallest of responsibilities. He complains about the child support and alimony. Like I am living like a queen. I have 3 lives to take care of. He has a motorcycle, project car, guns, gunsafe and whatever else.

Must be nice to still live well and bitch about giving me the money to care for our children. 

He tells me I need to get a job. Why? So I can not be around like him, and have someone else raise my girls? Absolutely not. 

He had the nerve to mention my boob job in mediation. He didn’t pay for it, so what does he care. It is all about money to him. 

My focus is the girls’ lives. It should be for him too. Sadly, he does everything in his power to try to punish me for leaving him. 

I have made mistakes. I accept them and learn from them. He refuses to believe and take any blame for the way things went down. 

My conscience is clean. If he continues on the path of spite, he is only going to cause his girls to want to push him away. 

Being a parent and selfishness do not go hand in hand. Who is the real child here?