I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I feel the need to express my feelings about all that has occurred in the past several months. So, to my family, friends and everybody, here is my open letter explaining my side.
I did not end my marriage last May. My marriage ended back in late 2008, or 2009. Can not remember the exact date. I just know that at the time I was very sick. I had gallbladder disease that was not diagnosed for nearly a year. I was suffering greatly.
I remember the day very clearly. My ex sat me down, and admitted to me that he was talking to another woman behind my back. His reasoning was that he thought I was crazy like my mother and was preparing for divorce. He only told me because the other woman threatened to tell me. What about our vows? Come to find that he spent a lot of time on the phone with her on his overnight shifts. Picture and other messages sent, and I have no idea what.
Talk about heartbroken. At that point I not only was sick as hell, but because of his shifts I was also basically a new single mom.
Anyways, from that point on, I had a hard time with trust. Who wouldn’t? I kept pushing foward because that is what I thought I needed to do at the time, to maintain life and keep my family intact. He had groups of female friends on facebook that he had met while working. A girl tagged him in a picture of herself sitting on his motorcycle wearing some slutty clubwear.
Gradually, I felt my spirits beginning to fade. My self esteem plummeted. I didn’t know who he was anymore, and I was losing myself. I didn’t look at him the same.
I don’t deny it. I was miserable. I hated everyone. I hated myself. Constantly wondering what was wrong with me. I grew to resent him. Every time he got to leave the house I hated him for being able to escape the house I now viewed as a prison, and I wondered who he was talking to.
He would come home and tell me about this one girl he would talk to that worked at a gas station. How she reminded him of me. Go figure, down the line, he would end up with her.
He got me to start going to the gym with him, and I fell in love. I began to be able to find myself again. The weights were my best friend. I had control of my progress and felt life begin to fill me again.
There was no doubt in my mind that I was unhappy in my marriage. I felt like I had a roommate more than a partner. Something just snapped one day, I knew at that point my wings had sprouted enough for me to fly.
I spread them, and in time I had no reason to look back. I agree, that perhaps my way of ending the entrapment I felt was not the best, but the moment was there, and I needed to seize it.
Somebody truly special, unique and like minded stole my heart. I did not plan for any of it, it just happened.
And because it happened the way it did, life has not been easy. I don’t blame anybody, I was the one who got the ball rolling. But, just know that I am a better person for doing so.
I am overall happier with my life and myself. I am a better person in general. I have more compassion. I am more outgoing again. I know I am a better mother.
My family has not supported me throughout it all. I just kept hearing about how I have really fucked up. No, I made the smart decision, unlike my family, not to stay in a miserable marriage, just for the kids. I made the hardest decision ever, to be better for my kids. Isn’t that what any parent would want for their kids? Not mine. My mom has pretty much disowned me, not only because of the divorce, but also because I made the adult decision to limit contact with my mom to keep the peace. She has a mental illness she refuses to get treatment for, therefore making it hard to even talk to her. Last time I visited, she literally got up and walked outside into the cold until I left.
So, on that note, know that I tried. Even after the betrayal, I put in another 8 years. Taking care of everyone on my own. Having two more kids. Feeling like a slave in my own home. There were many of occasions where I expressed my desire for change and I professed how unhappy I was. The pleas went unnoticed, ignored, or things would change briefly, then go back to where they were.
What exactly was I holding on to?
Life needed to take a new direction. It happened rather abruptly. But, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I have had my share of struggles, upsets and stress since last May. But, I feel confident now that I am on a better path.
I honestly don’t care who agrees with me or supports me. My shoes fit me, and until you put them on, you know nothing of my journey.
So, there it is. I have about half my life left realistically. I refuse to let myself die now before I have the chance to experience more. I hate hurting people, but I also hated my misery. My girls deserve my best. I feel like I can offer that to them now.