Happy Birthday

Just want to share with the world, that today is my middle daughters birthday. This girl is so charismatic. She has a smile than can light up the world. She has a complex personality that keeps me on my toes. But, I hope that it will take her great places in life. Love you Sweetheart, Happy Birthday! 

  

One day

I know it has all been said in some fashion before, but I was just thinking about how life gradually morphs and flows. One day you will look back and smile about all those annoyances and situations that you no longer have. 

My middle daughter had come downstairs for the fourth time. 

One day, they will stay in their rooms for hours on end and not want your hugs and kisses and attention before bed. 

One day, they won’t need you to put their toothpaste on the brush, but rather they have brushed and flossed without needing to be reminded. 

One day, they won’t spill their milk and need you to clean it up, even after you told them to sit down before they spill their milk, at least a half dozen times. 

One day, they won’t need you to cut up their sandwich because the smaller parts are easier for their little hands to hold. 

One day, they will do all their laundry, mostly because they are afraid you might ruin their favorite shirt.

One day, there won’t be any Spongebob, Monster High or Dora on the tv. They will most likely be in another room, away from you talking to a friend on the phone.

One day, they won’t cry for you when they get hurt. They will go to a friend, significant other and someday down the line a spouse, instead.

One day, they won’t be calling you mummy, a hundred times an hour, excited about something or wanting something from you. They probably won’t be around much for you to even hear “mom”. 

One day, you won’t have to sit down and read with them, correcting every mistake along the way. You hope that they will find books that they can not put down and read on their own. 

One day, they just won’t need you. All this was just in one day. There are more. So many moments we take for granted. Don’t get me wrong, I am just as guilty as the next. Like I said, we will look back on these things and smile. Disruptions, annoyances, inconveniences what ever you want to call them, one day they will be gone. Replaced perhaps with something different or even something more difficult. I am a mom like all moms. At 830, I have had my fill. I want my day to wind down. But, as it winds down, you start to think about life, and how it is ever changing, and in the blink of an eye, you could miss something special. 

We all have good days and bad. The best remedy for a bad one, is knowing you are needed, no matter how rough it is. 

Ouch

So, I trained legs for the first time in months yesterday. Life has been hectic since the divorce. Still trying to get back to my routine. But, this says it all…

  
The crazy part is, as much as it hurts, I love it. 

It has been months trying to pick up and re-connect all the scattered pieces. I deserted a big portion of my life, and it is really starting to show. Weekly, I was at the gym at least 3-4 days. I had my diet on target. I was absolutely flawless. 

I want that back. I am trying my best to get back into that state of mind. I was proud. I had control. I had challenges. I had goals. 

That feeling of being alive again gave me the final push to take a different path. Unfortunately, that path was a tough one and it really put me off course. 

One day at a time. One triumph at a time. I will be there again. I told my oldest that I never break a promise, and I haven’t failed her yet. So, here I am, promising myself and everyone that it will happen. 

I will be successful again, I will conquer goals and set new ones. I will be on my “A” game again. I will be a leader and an inspiration again. I will be the me I want to be again. I promise. 

Pick my future career

I have never really known what I wanted to do. 

I started pre nursing once and gave up. I am no good at the maths and sciences. But, I love to help people. 

I was working on my paralegal degree, but I have lost interest. 

I excell in the English subjects, I am artisitc, creative, outgoing, a leader, hardworking, responsible and I like helping and working with people. 

After October 2018, I will no longer be receiving my alimony. Yes, I am riding that train at full speed until the end. I consider it severence pay from my previous employer. 

I want to start now figuring out what direction I am going to go in, and start schooling and stuff now. 

So, what suggestions do you have??? It doesn’t have to be like a 6 figure career, but something that pays decent so that I can support me and my girls. 

36 Today

Today I turn 36. I have officially rounded the bend to forty. *sigh*

Things have certainly changed since my last birthday. No longer married, but engaged to my soul mate. Living in a different home, driving a different car, my hair is much longer…My life is so much different. 

I was reminded in my timehop about this day also being the day my ex proposed to me. I also attended a funeral for my uncle this day a few days ago who had a heart attack while driving, and my ex’s grandfather tragically died the day before a few years ago from leaving the car running in the garage and being overcome with carbon monoxide. An old boyfriend, his dad died on my birthday from colon cancer. 

In 1993, we got a huge snow storm that ruined my 13th birthday party. 

Yikes, my birthday has seemed to suck throughout the years. 

I have so much more life to live, it is moving ahead now, and not dwelling on the past. Not just for my birthday, but every day. 

My middle daughter was born on St. Patricks day, and my youngest daughter was born a year and two days later, on March 19th. 

They, as well as my oldest are my greatest gifts. They are my life, my joy, and there is no birthday present I can be given that outweighs the love of my girls. 

So, as this day goes on just like any other day, I know that my family is the best gift ever. 

I hope it is genuine

One of the most important things I had hoped to accomplish with my ‘open letter’ post, was to reach my dad and family. 

I wanted them to know the truth. I wanted them to be able to understand. 

My dad personally replied to my post and it almost brought me to tears. 

I am a good person and I am human. We all make mistakes, but the past is the past, and the person I once was, is not who I am now. 

My personality is the same, but the moment I found out I was pregnant with my oldest is the moment I changed my life. 

I am super responsible now. I have to be, because my girls depend on me. I have to be because that is the right way. 

I wanted my family to know that even though I was a loose cannon growing up, that I am not that way now. My divorce was not about me regressing, but about me progressing. 

I hope that his words were genuine. I hope that he believes me and believes in me. That is all I ever wanted. His support, his concern, his care…I wanted a dad. 

I hate feeling like no matter what I do it is the wrong thing. I hate feeling like I am a disappointment. 

I have always been a complex person. But, I am also so very simple once you solve the riddle. I just want to be happy. 

I hope that everyone understands that. It is a very simple request. I hate that people had to get hurt along the way, but for me and my girls it was the best decision. 

I promise it will all be ok. I do not fail at that which I want to accomplish.  

 
(My dad and I a few years ago. The only recent pic I have)

It is my job

Having three young girls is work. Long hours, often missing meals or neglecting myself. No privacy. Headaches and lack of sleep. Yelling and laughter. Sacrifice. 

I chose to be a mom. With that comes specific obligations. Dedication and responsibility. 

I have not changed in that respect. 

I don’t force my oldest to buy lunch on the days she wants to pack because it is an inconvenience. I look at it as a chance to throw a special treat in her bag so she can be surprised at lunch. 

I take my time with my girls, help them bathe and get dressed and ready for bed. I don’t send them off on their own, let them go to bed with wet hair. I read them a story or have my oldest read to me. We talk. I tuck them in, give them kisses and check on them before I go to bed every night. 

I sit down and color with them, play games with them, cuddle with them and we laugh. 

I also discipline and take away their cookie as a treat when they don’t eat their meals or act out. I tell them “no” when it is necessary. 

I make promises and keep them. 

I give them the world within limits, because that is what they deserve. It is my job to leave a lasting impression on them, to help them learn and grow and flourish. 

I am mom. Nothing is an inconvenience. Life has changed for sure, but I haven’t changed as mom. I still uphold the same standards as I did before my divorce. I owe them that balance. 

It pains me every time I hear about the let downs from the other side. I know life isn’t perfect, but after all the disruption, they are my main focus, now and forever. They will remember those times, the little miniscule details that were left broken. 

I will not be a part of those memories. 

I have a job, it doesn’t pay well, and is often stressful, but it is so worth it. They didn’t ask to be here. So as mom, it is my duty to give them my best. 

Now that life has changed for me, I am confident now that I can be just that for them.